


I'm Broken without You

by abrind



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - Stripper/Exotic Dancer, Angry Steve Rogers, Broken Hearts, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky is sad, Drugs, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Flashbacks, M/M, Masturbation, Military, Other, Sam Wilson Is a Good Bro, Sex Flashback, Steve Rogers Feels, Steve is broken, Steve is sad, Strippers & Strip Clubs
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-10-20
Updated: 2015-06-26
Packaged: 2018-02-21 15:12:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 34,201
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2472767
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/abrind/pseuds/abrind
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes were friends turned lovers and life was perfect for a while.  Then Bucky joined the Army and even though he loved Steve, he didn't want him to be hurt if something happened to him.   So one night he broke up with him and he thought Steve would be fine. Instead, Steve decided he was right all along and was to weak for Bucky so he threw himself into his art even if it meant he didn't care for himself.  Then he met Sam who helped him into dancing but it wasn't enough to keep the emptiness inside quiet so he got bigger and drank alot and didn't care who he was with.<br/>Bucky hadn't seen Steve in 6 years and would have have never noticed he was the hot stripper that made him feel like he couldn't breathe but when Steve recognizes him and wants to see him, he runs.  Now, hes not sure if he can fix this but he has to because Steve's the love of his life even if he doesn't realize it yet.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> All mistakes are mine own. This is my first time writing on here so I hope its ok.

Bucky was going to die.

Yup, this is it. He thought, I'm going to die in a strip club wearing a pair of too tight skinny jeans, eyeliner, and a hard-on.

He wasn't really surprised, seeing as how all of Nat's ideas usually left him hurting in some way or another.  How he could he be stupid enough to think an innocent night at a strip club would be any different.

He took a deep breath, closing his eyes and trying to get himself under control before he let out the breath and opened his eyes.

It had started easy enough, with Nat teasing him that he needed to get out and see this world since he got back and how she knew this great strip club with hot guys and cheap beer.  He should of been on guard, he should of told her no, but instead he let her dress him and drag him here to SHIELD.

The club was o.k. with the usual bass driven music and guys in short shorts walking around and guys on stage dancing.  He had been fine with other strippers that had came out but the lights changed and the music changed from pop to slower rock song.  The guy's stage name was Captain or Cap as the D.J. called him over the speakers.  He was tall, with dirty blonde hair, messily styled and he came out in a fucking flannel shirt, which he shed first, and low hanging ripped jeans.

He didn't move like the other dancers that shook their asses and flung themselves around the pole.  This guy moved slowly rolling his body, biting his lip and moving his hands all over his body. Bucky watched as the guy spread his legs a little bending his knees and rolling his body and putting his abs on display.

Bucky took another deep breath and look at Nat to see her smirking at him which he responded with an eye roll then focused back on the stage.  The guy was closer still moving slowly with the music moving his body in a way that should be illegal.  This close Bucky could see several tattoos on the guy and that just make his incredibly tight jeans, tighter, which he didn't think was possible, as he was adjusting himself.  He was sure that it was bad as it was going to get until the guy looked his way.

He had incredible blue eyes, eyes Bucky was sure he had seen somewhere else.  He gasped and felt like his chest was going to explode.  It was so familiar, those eyes but yet Bucky couldn't place them and it was driving his nuts.

The guy's mouth dropped open a bit and Bucky was sure something passed through the guys eyes but then it was gone. Captain's moves seemed to get a little bit more rough and he moved to the other side of the stage where all Bucky could see was his amazing back muscles. He turned back to Nat to see her looking at him again with a strange look in her eyes like she wanted to ask him something.

Bucky picked up his drink and turned back to the dancer to notice he had some how gotten rid of his jeans in the second it took to look at Nat.  He was now in nothing but a pair of red and blue shorts and work boots.  One hand was in his hair the other wrapped around his torso holding on to his hip as slowly moved his amazing ass.

"Alright," the D.J. cut in "Cap has a really busy night ahead of him so how about we give him a round of applause for his time." The crowd busted out in applause as the guy grabbed his jeans.

"Don't forget if you want to get up close and personal with Captain, you can come see him in one of our private rooms." The D.J. announced.

Nat leaned over "Need a minute?" she asked

Bucky needed more than a minute he needed a cold shower or to be alone with himself.  Instead he leaned over "I'm good.  Just not what I expected."

She snorted "Well, while you catch your breath I need to go see a friend.  Will you be o.k.?"

He nodded and watched her walk off towards the back of the stage wondering who she had to go see.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More of Steve and Bucky's back story.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is kinda long and I hope anyone who reads this is ok with it. Oh, and again all mistakes are mine.

 

Steve stormed off stage with his jeans in his hands and fell into the first chair he found.  He felt like he was having an asthma attack but his asthma hadn't acted up in years.  No, this was different, _this_ was panic, panic from having his past show up in front of him.

 

Maybe, it wasn't him.  He thought.  Yea, maybe.  He took a deep breath then let it out slowly as he tried to get his heart under control.

His head was hanging down looking at the ground as he finally felt in control.  As he brought his head up he noticed a familiar red head coming through the crowd.  It hit him again, Nat had been sitting with him.  Sitting with the man who looked like Bucky, he had to ask.

"Nat" he said barely above a whisper, as she came to a stop in front of him.

"Hey, Rogers.  You ok? You look kinda rough."  She said as she crooked an eyebrow at him.

"Yea,"he said, then cleared his throat when it came out rough."Yea, just..that man you were sitting with..."

"Yes?"

He took another breath. "That man you were sitting with..Bucky..." She looked at him strange "I'm sorry I mean his name...Bucky...or James Buchanan Barnes."

"How did you...."

"Oh God!" he interrupted before she could finish "Is he..is he still here?  Please, Nat is he still out there?"

"Yea.  Steve..you need to breathe.  Whats wrong?  How do you know James?"  She asked, looking at him like she was looking in soul.

He was looking at her and he wasn't sure what he was going to do.  It was Bucky.  Bucky was here.  He hadn't seen him in almost 6 years but he felt like he needed to see him but he wasn't sure he couldn't handle it.  After a few deep breaths, he knew if he didn't see Bucky it would hurt him more than if he let him go again.

"Nat, will bring him back here? Please?  I promise I'll try and explain things but just.."He couldn't finish he just looked at her waiting for her to say something.

After a minute of looking at him, she sighed. "Stay right here." She said as she turned and walked away.

Steve didn't need to be told not to move, he couldn't if he tried.  He sat there trying to get himself under control again.  He wasn't sure what he was going to say but he was sure he would think of something.  He used to never have to think of what to say to Bucky, it used to be easy.  Now, he wasn't sure if Bucky would even know him.

A few minutes later, he noticed Natasha leading Bucky through the crowd and Steve got his first good look at him.  Bucky looked a little leaner, he was wearing tight black jeans, a plain white shirt, and leather jacket.  His hair was a little long but it was slicked back and his eyes looked like he had eyeliner on making his blue grey eyes stand out.   
He looked good, really, really good.

Nat stopped in front of Steve again but he didn't want to look up so he dropped his eyes back to floor again, feeling like he was 95 pound all over again.

"So...?" He heard Nat begin.

Steve took a deep breath and jerked his head up looking into Bucky's eyes.  "Bucky.."

Bucky looked like he had been shocked when heard the name.  His shoulders jerked and there was confusion in his eyes.  "How did you? Wait." he said as he took Steve in.

He locked eyes with Steve, then something in his eyes cleared, "Steve? Steve!" his eyes were wide and he took a step forward, "I thought you were smaller?" he cracked.

Steve let out a wet laugh, it was like old time almost.  "Yea, well...its been a while."

He watched as Bucky came a little closer but before he touched Steve, he pulled back quickly, stepping back, almost tripping.  "I...I..I can't.  I gotta go." He said before taking off running through the crowd.

"Um..look I'm not sure what the hell is going on but don't think this conversation is over, Rogers." Natasha told him before taking off after Bucky.

Steve sat there for a minute letting what happened run through him.  It was happening all over again, Bucky left again. He remembered the last time he saw Bucky, laying in bed with him then it all crashing down.

_"Wow!" Bucky said as laid next to Steve.  They were both sweaty and breathing hard. "That was..yeah.."_

_Steve laughed "Really eloquent there, Buck." Laying his head on Bucky's chest as he wrapped Steve in his arms._

_"Yea, well you bring it out in me punk."_

_Steve wasn't sure how long they lay there, getting sleepier but knowing they needed to clean up.  He felt Bucky move then tighten his arms._

_"Buck?  I think we need to get cleaned up."_

_"Yea, I know.  I just...Steve..I love you.  You know that right?"_

_"Yea, Buck I know.  Whats wrong?" He asked as he tried to turn to look at him but Bucky wouldn't let him.  Just grabbed him a little tighter._

_"I got my orders today.  I'm going to be assigned somewhere.  Not sure where but I know its not going to be near Brooklyn."_

_Steve knew this, he knew this from the time Bucky had told him he joined the Army. He knew this when he first went away to training.  He knew this through basic.  What he didn't was why Bucky was bringing this up now._

_"Yea, I know Buck.  We talked about this, I don't have anybody but you in Brooklyn.  I'm willing to go wherever you are."_

_"You shouldn't have to.  Steve, you could be something, something amazing.  You should go to art school or something.  You shouldn't waste your life on me."Bucky had said._

_Steve felt his spine stiffen. "Bucky, you know there is no life without you.  Your all I have and I'm sure wherever we go will have a school near by that I can go to.  We've talked about this before._

_"Steve, your not listening.  Maybe, we shouldn't do this, maybe...."_

_"Bucky, what are you saying?" Steve asked, barely above a whisper._

_Steve felt Bucky take a deep breath "Maybe, we should see other people."_

 

Steve remembered it all, the fight after, every word Bucky said.  He hadn't seen Bucky since that day, not even to say goodbye, just walked out and left.  Bucky went back to the Army and Steve had done everything he could to try and feel like his life hadn't been ripped from him that day.

He let out a sigh and stood up, he needed a drink.  He wanted to forget this night, he wasn't sure why he thought Bucky would react any different.  The damage was done and Steve needed to forget everything.

He was heading back toward his dressing room to get clothes to head home, he didn't want to be here any longer.  He had just buttoned his jeans when he saw his boss, Tony, heading for him.

"Don't." he told him.

Tony stopped far enough back that he didn't need to talk loud but not close enough to box Steve in. "Listen, spangles I'm not sure where you think your going but you still have work to do."

"I'm going home Tony, I'm done for the night.  If you want someone to grind on people go get one of the newbies."

He knew Tony was about to argue with him but he didn't care.  They had just started to come to an agreement after a couple of months of downright hating each other but after tonight Steve didn't care if had to punch Tony get out here, he wasn't sticking around.

"Look, not sure what's up tonight.  Don't care.  All I know is people pay good money for you to _grind_ on them so why don't you get your nice ass back out there."

Steve was staring daggers at him at this point. "You don't seem to understand.  I'm going home and your getting out of my way.  Fire me if you want, don't care.  Take the pay out my check, again don't care.  Just get out of my way."

Tony seemed taken a back for a second before stepping to they side.  Steve was almost past when Tony grabbed his shoulder, "I know you think this is all a joke, that you do this just to let off steam or something.  But this is my business, I'll let you go tonight but you owe me."

"I don't owe you nothing" Steve growled before storming out, leaving Tony staring at his back.

Steve had worked at SHIELD for about 6 months now after leaving his last stripping job because the boss was the only person Steve wouldn't sleep with.  He liked it here but he wasn't sure about Tony Stark, who had basically pissed him off from the moment they met.

Tony's dad was Howard Stark one of the most richest guys in town and Tony thought he was showing his rebel side by going away from the family business and opening up a strip club.  Except, he was about 20 years late for a teenage rebellion and his dad didn't seem to care, but the club had took off and Tony was his own boss with his own money and thought Steve was someone less than him.

Steve had tried hard to let it get to him but it had and almost ended in blows but after yelling and screaming everything seemed to get better.  Tony understood that Steve was good at what he did and could probably do it anywhere he wanted but had other talents as well and Steve understood Tony was running a business.  Steve still didn't let Tony get to him to much especially on night like tonight.

Steve made it out the back and onto his bike without any more incidents.  He sat there for a minute trying to get his barrings, he felt like his skin was stretched to tight but at the time same time that there was cracks everywhere.  He needed to get home before he broke down, if he was home he could drink and push it back down.

He started his bike and took off, rounding the corner he saw Natasha's red hair and Bucky leaning against her with his arms around her waist.  Steve's stomach clenched, Well that explained that, thought Steve, no wonder Bucky ran off, Natasha had been going on and on about her mysterious guy friend but now he knew.  He didn't spare a second look as he sped on by towards home.

____________________________________

Bucky's arm around Natasha was the only thing keeping him grounded.  He really didn't mean to run off like that but once he realized who Steve was, all the memories he had pushed down came rushing back and he just had to get out of there.

Thinking of Steve brought it all back, how much he loved Steve, how he wanted to protect him but in the end the only way he could was to hurt him.  He remembered their last night how Steve had took a greyhound down to watch him graduate from basic and how they had barely made to a hotel.  They way Steve looked wearing his uniform jacket and how he looked out of it.

His stomach felt like he was on a downward slope of a roller coaster ride.

"You wanna tell me what happened, how you know Steve, or do you just wanna go home." Natasha asked quietly.

"Home."

He was just fixing to let go when heard a motorcycle near by, he didn't know how but he could tell the driver was Steve just by looking at him.  The driver, _Steve_ , looked their way before gunning it heading in the opposite direction. He felt his heart clench and eyes fill with tears, he could feel Nat leading to the passenger side.

The drive home seemed short to him but he couldn't concentrate he kept drifting back to Steve. Not the Steve tonight but the one from the past, the one who looked like it would take a strong wind to knock him over but who had the heart of a lion.

_"You can't be serious! What the hell do you mean you want to see other people? Does that mean there's someone else already?" Steve had screamed, his face red but Bucky knew he refused to cry._

_It was the only Bucky knew to keep him safe.  Break up, end it, so if something happened to him it would be better if Steve had already moved on.  Then instead of losing his boyfriend, he would just lose and old friend that he used to know.  Except, it was killing Bucky to see Steve this way._

_"Steve, were going to be in different places and you know there is no one else.  I wouldn't do that to you." Buck told him as he tried to come closer ._

_Steve was back against the wall, hands fisted like he was about to take a swing.  Hell, he might, his jaw was set and his blue eyes were bright._

_"Don't come any closer. I don't want you anywhere near me.  You had sex with me, you told me you loved me then you want to see other people.  This makes no damn sense!" Steve had yelled at him as he looked at Bucky with fury._

_"I'm sorry Steve, I'm sorry.  I do love you that's why we have to do this."_

_Steve snorted, then looked at him "Leave, please just leave" If Steve had yelled it Bucky probably would have pushed it but it was said quietly._

_He nodded once, grabbed his bag and clothes and walked out the hotel.  When he went back the next day Steve was gone with no note or nothing. Bucky took it as a sign that it was over and Steve wanted nothing to do with him.  Bucky knew this was what he had pushed for, not because he wanted anyone else but because Steve deserved to be someone who was better, who could keep him safe and make him forget all about Bucky._

_He had sat there in the hotel with tears running down his face until time to go._

Bucky realized he had been staring out the car window for while without saying anything and that he was back at his apartment.

"Want to talk about it" Nat asked poking him in the side.

"I knew Steve since we were kids.  He used to be this scrawny thing that picked to many fights for his own good and I was in love with him from day one.  We started dating when he was 16 and I was 17, two years later I joined the Army.  Steve stood by me through everything including basic training but I knew I couldn't let him go through me leaving for assignment.  I wanted him to be safe, have a good job, go to art school, be with someone who he deserved and so I broke up with him the day I graduated basic.  I probably could have waited but I knew I was to selfish, that if I didn't do it then I wouldn't. About a month later I left on special detail and never heard from him again."

Bucky banged his head on the window, as Nat sat silently taking it all in.

"Wow, that..hmmm...it makes sense now." She said. Bucky looked at with a raised eyebrow.

"The reason I know Steve is through his friend, Sam," Bucky help the way his stomach sank on the word friend, as Nat continued, "Sam, told me that when he met Steve, he wasn't in the best shape.  They met in college and Sam said that Steve is just now starting to get better."

"What do you mean?" Bucky's stomach had seemed to bottom out and now he felt nauseous.

"Not sure, maybe you should talk to Sam.  I mean since it seems talking to Steve is out of the question...unless you want to see Steve again."

Bucky sighed, "I do.  I want to see him so badly but I can't.  He probably hates me and he looks so much different now that I can't wrap my head around it."

Nat looked at him, "We'll work up to it but for now how about we go inside."

Bucky smiled and opened his door, the cool night air clearing his head a little.  He couldn't help wanting to see Steve, wanting to know this new Steve.  He wasn't sure what had happened after he left, he was sure Steve had moved on but the guy on stage tonight wasn't his shy reserved Steve who couldn't dance.  The guy tonight commanded the room and moved his body in a way that still left Bucky breathless.

"Hey, Nat do you think maybe you could introduce me to Sam.  I'm not sure whats going on but if he really is Steve's friend maybe he couldn't help me."

Nat smiled at him and held up her phone, "He said he would see us around noon and that your buying pizza."

Bucky shook his head and followed Nat up the stairs hoping that tomorrow would give him more answers about Steve and hopefully lead him in the right way.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve and Sam talk....then Bucky meets Sam.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So just a warning Bucky has some alone time in the shower if you want to skip it you can, its a little later on in the chapter and then its pretty much back to business as usual. Thank you so much for reading, its my first time. Again all mistakes are mine.

Steve laid on his bed, staring at the ceiling fan.  He wasn't sure how long he had stayed there but he was down about a half bottle of vodka that Natasha had bought him for his birthday.  He didn't really care for vodka but Sam had gotten rid of all his alcohol, this only surviving because it was buried so far back in the freezer.

He took another long sip and thought about Bucky.  All he could see was Bucky's eyes when he realized who Steve was, right before he ran.  There was second where his eyes had shown clearly and bright but it hadn't lasted long, Steve could tell when Bucky finally realized everything right before he ran leaving Steve again.

Steve wasn't sure if it was his heart pounding in his ears or someone at the door, either way he wasn't moving.  If it was someone at the door they would give up and leave, he didn't want to see anyone.  He heard a key in the lock and sighed, Sam was the only one with a key to his place.

Steve heard the door open and shut, then bags being placed on the counter.  He could hear Sam moving down the hall towards his door, all Steve did was take another drink, knowing Sam would take it away once he saw it.

"Steve, man, you in there?" Sam asked as he knocked on Steve's closed door.

Steve couldn't remember closing it, or why he did, seeing as he was the only one here.

"Really don't feel like talking, Sam" He told the closed door.

"Yea, well good thing I'm the one doing the talking." Sam told him as he opened the door. "Damn, you could at least have told me you were half naked, I would have covered my eyes."

Steve looked down at himself, he was only in boxers having shed his clothes as soon as he came in.

"Nothin, you ain't seen before."

"True, I guess but still could've gave a guy a warning."

Steve shrugged his shoulders, then slowly sat up.  His head swam and his stomach rolled but it slowly settled as he got comfortable.

"Let me guess, Natasha told you what happened."

Sam nodded then took a seat on the bed next to Steve and reached for the bottle.

"Yea, I'm not going to ask if your ok cause I know your not. So wanna tell me what happened?" He asked Steve, watching him carefully.

"What do you want me to say that she probably hasn't.  She was at the club tonight and Bucky was with her.  I haven't seen him in 6 years Sam, and suddenly he was there, his hair was longer and he looked a little different but I knew it was him. I wanted to talk to him but when he realized who I was he ran, literally, ran away from me, Sam" Steve wasn't looking at Sam anymore instead focusing on a spot on the wall.

He heard Sam take a deep breath before he said anything.

"Well, what do you expect Steve? That he was just going to see you and fall in your arms? I know what he did, and I know he ended things but maybe he was just surprised and didn't know what to do."

Steve snorted, looking Sam in the eye, "Yea, surprised....so surprised that when I left, him and Natasha were hugging in the parking lot.  You know, I wasn't sure what to expect.  He was my friend before he was anything else, we grew up together, he pulled me out of more fights than you can imagine. He was always there for me, then he wasn't and now....now he's back and he ran from me."

"Look, I know he was your friend but you haven't seen him in 6 years, things change.  You've change, so can you honestly expect that he hasn't?  You've worked so hard here lately to get better and you have so don't let this be a set back."

Steve let out a hard laugh, "Really? You think I've gotten better? Sam, that bottle was full when I got home, your lucky I've built up a tolerance."

"Uh huh...and when was the last time you drink before this?"

"Couple months" Steve mumbled

"When was the last time you brought some random stranger home?" He asked nudging Steve with his knee.

Steve sighed, "I get it ok. Its not as bad as I was but I don't feel like I'm any different. All I feel like doing is finishing that bottle so I can pass out and not have to think anymore."

"Yea, I know it doesn't seem like it but its progress.  Couple of months ago, I probably would of found you passed out on the steps and had to drag your big ass in here."

Steve's lips curled in a small smile, "Thought you said my ass was small."

Sam rolled his eyes. "Yea, yea, whatever.  What I'm saying is you didn't start drinking before you got home.  I know right now everything is probably coming back to you hard but maybe you can take that as a small victory," he said squeezing Steve's leg, "What I wanna know is what you want from him. Do you want to see him again? Be friends? More than that? Because if he's Natasha's friend, and yes I mean friend, your probably going to see him again."

Steve sat thought for a minute, he wasn't sure why Sam had put so much emphasis on Bucky and Nat being friends but he pushed it to the back of his mind.  Did he want to see Bucky again?  Yea, he would be lying if he said he didn't want to.  Did he want to be friend or more than friends? Steve hesitated, he wasn't sure Bucky even wanted to be his friend anymore.

"I don't know.  I want to see him again.  He hurt me, Sam, but I still care about him.  Hell, I think I still love him....but I'm not sure what he wants."

Sam opened his mouth to say something when his phone went off.  Steve watched as he looked at the screen then frowned before texted back whoever it was.

"Steve, you can't answer what he wants.  You can't live your life like that anymore, you have to figure out what's best for you.  What makes _you_ happy." Sam told him.

Steve looked down at his hands, there was a time in his life when Bucky was all he needed to make him happy. Now, he wasn't sure.

"You know I'm here for you no matter what.  If you need to talk some more about what happened or talk to me about Bucky, then I'm here.  All you gotta do is ask, just don't wait too long like last time." Sam told him as got up off the bed.

"Thanks Sam.  I...just thanks."

"No problem, hey, get some sleep I'm heading home we both got an early day tomorrow.  I'll see you tomorrow."

Steve nodded, as he watched Sam head for the door.  His head was swimming but it was more from thinking things over than the vodka.  He wasn't sure what he wanted anymore but he knew he couldn't let Bucky walk out on him again.  Maybe if he had fought harder the first time he wouldn't have spent the last 6 years without Bucky.

Steve heard the front door shut as flopped back down on the bed.  He let his mind drift, not trying to focus too much on one thing but of course all he could think about was Bucky.

_Steve's face hurt.  He knew his nose was bleeding and he was going to have a black eye but he didn't care._

_"Stop makin' fun of him just cause he's new." He shouted at the bigger boys._

_He had been sitting on the side of the playground when he heard them planning a prank on the new kid.  He knew he couldn't let them go through with it, so he marched up to them and threatened to tell.  It was all down hill from there._

_One of the bigger boys laughed in face, "Whatcha gonna do about it Rogers?"_

_Steve swung his tiny fist, barely connected with the guys face before one of his friends grabbed his arms.  The bigger boy slammed his fist against Steve's face before laughing again.  He pulled his hand back to take another swing when he was pushed from behind._

_"Hey!" came a voice "How bout you pick on someone your own size." Then there was a scuffle before Steve heard a crack and the boy who had hit him fell back holding his face.  
_

_It wasn't long after that, that the other boys took off running before a teacher could come see what was going on.  Steve was on the ground looking up at the kid who had stood up for him.  The kids hair was a little long in front and he was missing a tooth and staring at Steve with wide eyes._

_"James Buchanan Barnes, but you can call me Bucky" The kid, Bucky, said helping Steve up._

_"Steve Rogers." He said, sticking his hand out._

_Bucky laughed, which caused Steve's spine to stiffen a little, "Jeez kid, what did they say that made you jump in like that?"_

_"I ain't no kid," Steve growled, taking Bucky by surprise, "and they were talkin 'bout pulling a prank on you, then called you names."_

_"So you decided to go in fist swinging?" The boy looked at him up and down, giving Steve a small smile, "Sorry, bout the kid thing, I call everybody that."_

_Steve slowly relaxed, his fist unclenching, then realized his nose was still dripping blood. He held his shirt sleeve up to his nose,"Sorry, but I need to get home."_

_"Ok..."Bucky said kicking the ground "Ummm...do you mind if I walk with you?"_

_"I don't need a babysitter."_

_"I know you don't, but how 'bout a friend?""_

_Steve looked at him, shocked, no one had every wanted to be his friend. "Yea?"_

_"Yea." Bucky said looking at him straight in the eye._

 

Steve wasn't sure how long he laid there staring at the ceiling, reliving the first time him and Bucky met.  They had been inseparable after that, either at Steve's or Bucky's house after school or anytime they had free time.  Bucky was always there when Steve was sick and he was there when Bucky needed a break from his house. Bucky was there for him when his mom passed away and Steve was there when Bucky's parents were killed in a car crash. They were all each other had for the longest time and now Bucky was back but Steve still wasn't sure what he wanted to happened just that he was tired of fighting to keep Bucky out of his mind.

____________________________________________________________________

Bucky's eyes opened slowly, he wasn't sure where he was. He was sure he wasn't on his bed, this proved true a moment later when he tried to roll over, ending up falling in the floor.

Natasha stuck her head around the corner, "Good your up. I thought I was gonna have to figure out a way to get you up." She smirked.

Bucky groaned, he remembered now, Natasha had spent the night so he gave up his bed and slept on the couch. He had insisted by telling her he was just being a gentleman, she had called bullshit but took the bed anyways. The truth was he wanted to get his head straight before he met Sam today, he had ended up staring at the ceiling thinking about Steve before tossing and turning in his sleep.

"What time is it?" His voice sounded like he had swallowed a hand full of gravel.

"Its just after 10, if you wanna grab a shower before we meet Sam you better hurry.  Before you ask, yes I left you some hot water."

Bucky nodded, trying to untangle himself from the blankets. His head hurt from lack of sleep and he figured a shower was probably the best option.

Natasha set a cup of coffee on the table he had just put his head on. "You know," she started "Sam's really not a bad guy.  He's just wants to get to know you, I think he's afraid your going to hurt Steve again."

Bucky took a drink of coffee, burning his throat but feeling a tad bit better just from the first sip.

"I'm not here to hurt him, I didn't even know he worked there.  By the way, you think you could of told me you were friends with a stripper named Steve?"

She picked her nail, not bothering to look him in the eye, as finished his coffee. "How was I suppose to know that you had a relationship with him? You never mentioned him. All you ever said about your past was that there had been a guy and it ended badly, sharing goes both was you know."

Bucky snorted as he stood, "Yea, and what was your plan last night. Take me there then introduce me to your stripper buddy hoping we would hit it off?"

The lack of answer was all he needed to know, "I'm hitting the shower." He told her

He turned the heat in the shower up as high as he could stand it, letting it warm up while he stripped out of his clothes. He took a glance in the mirror, his eyes were red rimmed and bags under them, his hair was greasy from not washing it before bed but he wasn't looking at that. Steve hadn't noticed his lack of an arm last night thanks to his prosthetic he wore but what would he think if he was here with him now with out it on.  It ended just below his shoulder and was mounded with scar tissue. He turned side to side wondering if Steve would even find him attractive, then shook his head. Why was thinking about that?

He stepped in the shower letting the hot water run over his head. He knew why he was thinking about Steve like this, he always had.  Since he had hit puberty and started noticing girls, they were great but nothing compared to Steve. He laid awake so many times with his hand around himself thinking about Steve, of course in the end Steve was the brave on who had confessed first.  They had done nothing but kiss a little the first month but once they had took that next step they couldn't keep their hands off of each other.

Bucky sighed, his head hitting the side of the shower, 6 years they had been apart.  6 years and one night and now all Bucky could do was think of Steve.  He stared down at his hard cock, looking at it like it had betrayed him.  He had always gotten this kinda reaction from Steve.

_"Buck, put me down I can walk!" Steve told him as Bucky picked him up, his hands holding Steve's ass._

_"I know you can, pal, but just gimme this."_

_Steve rolled his eyes but put his hands around Bucky's neck and legs wrapped around his waist. Steve moved in, slowly moving his lips over Bucky's neck._

_"Steve, what are you doing?" Bucky whispered, almost tripping over his feet._

_"Well, your arms are busy so you can't make me stop." He told Bucky, his lips never leaving Bucky's skin._

_Bucky walked them toward the bedroom as Steve kissed and nipped his jaw, his hands fisting in Bucky's hair. Bucky turned around his knees hitting the edge of the bed as sit down, trying not to jostle Steve too much.  His hands left Steve's ass, slowly tracing his spine till the got to his hair. Steve's golden blonde hair almost seemed like it was glowing in the sunlight coming through the bedroom window._

_Bucky tugged Steve's hair gently, making Steve pull back from his neck.  Steve was beautiful like this, his eyes wide, his mouth red, and looking at Bucky like he was the sun itself._

_He cradled Steve's face, "Wow, your so gorgeous Steve." He smiled as Steve rolled his eyes, "I'm serious Steve, I'm not sure why you chose me but I don't care. Your mine now and I'm not letting you go." He told him as he leaned in for a kiss._

_Steve's lips were soft, they kissed slowly for a minute until Steve nipped Bucky's lower lip causing him to groan.  One hand was in Steve's hair, as his other one slowly moved to Steve's hip as Steve pushed the kiss harder, licking into Bucky's mouth.  He pulled Bucky's hair, making him push up into Steve. They were both hard and the friction felt good, they hadn't really done much but make-out and rub up against one another, usually they pulled apart because neither one of them was sure they were ready.  
_

_"Steve, baby, tell me how far you wanna go." Bucky said, pulling back._

_Steve looked amazing, he was breathing hard but Bucky could tell he was ok. "Bucky, please." He whined, pushing back down onto Bucky._

_"Steve, just...I don't want to hurt you, so you gotta tell me sweetheart." Bucky knew he could only get away with calling Steve pet names when they were like this._

_Steve finally took a deep breath, calming down just a bit."Bucky, your not gonna hurt me but I'm not sure how far I wanna go.  I know that I want you though, please."_

_"Ok, baby, I got you." He told Steve, as he reached for the button of his jeans, "How about we take this slow? We don't have to go all the way for me to make you feel good."He told him, as he grabbed Steve's ass with one hand, the other going in his boxers._

_Steve moaned and whined, as he grabbed Bucky's hair. Bucky didn't think he had heard anything sweeter. "I love you, baby boy." He told Steve as he worked his hand in Steve's pants._

_"I love you too Bucky." He moaned_

Bucky worked his hand faster around his cock as thought about that day.  It was the first time him and Steve had touched each other like that, waiting almost a month after that before he had worked up the nerve to take Steve all the way.

He thought about the way Steve had looked underneath him, as he twisted his hand around the head of his cock swiping his thumb across the slit.  How Steve had hissed at first, but then moaned his name over and over again the more he adjusted. His mind supplied him an image of Steve the night before as his hand stopped, cock twitching. The way Steve had moved to the music, he had never moved like that before. There was something graceful but predatory in those movements.

Bucky's hand worked faster, base to tip as he thought about how Steve would move underneath him now. He was so different now but so was Bucky, the only thing that was the same were those blue eyes. That and the way he said Bucky's name, he grabbed his cock tighter, stoking from it a little bit harder as he thought about Steve moaning his name over and over again as Bucky moved over him.  What made Bucky lose it was when the image changed and he thought about Steve over him, moving his hips working in and out of Bucky, moaning his name.

Bucky bit his lip hard enough that he was surprised it didn't bleed as he spilled out in the shower. His head thunking against the shower tiles, as his breath came in gasp. He hadn't gotten off that hard in a while, matter of fact he hadn't thought about Steve like that in a while either. He didn't want to get out of the shower but the water was getting lukewarm as he reached for his body wash.

A few minutes of washing later, and Bucky emerged from the shower. Cleaner and more relaxed then he had been when he went in.  He grabbed a towel wrapping it around his waist, opening the door, almost screaming at Natasha standing there.

"Geez, Nat, give a guy a heart attack. Wait, were you listing outside the door, have to say that's kinda creepy." He tried to play off how hard is heart was hammering in his chest as he moved around her.

"Ha ha. No, I heard the shower turning off and thought I would let you know that you only have a few to get dressed or were going to be late."

"Ok, fine. Now, can I get dressed or are you gonna follow me in here too?" He asked as walked into his room.

Right before he shut the door, she looked at him and smirked. "So feel better after your shower? You look more _relaxed_." She said the last work with a lear.

He growled, slamming the door and turning toward his closet.  He grabbed the first things he saw, dark wash jeans, a blue long sleeve shirt, and boots. He slid his prosthetic on adjusting it before grabbing his shirt, he hated the thing but with it on he felt a little more whole. He ran a comb through his hair before heading out. Nat was sitting on the back of the couch waiting for him, as he grabbed his leather jacket, keys, and cell phone.

"Lets go." He told her as headed for the front door.

"Bucky," she said as she put her hand on his shoulder. He looked down at her waiting for her to say what she to had to say. "The cafe's not far from here, we can walk."

"Ok." He told her drawing out the word waiting for what else she had to say.

"Look, Sam's a good guy, like I said, he just wants to make sure Steve is going to be ok. He is Steve's friend though so he might sound harsh, so please try to stay calm."

He stared at her for a minute, her green eyes feeling like they were searing a hole in his head, before nodding turning on heels and leaving the apartment.

 

The walk to the cafe was a short one.  It wasn't one of the chain coffee places, this one was tucked out of the way, with hand written signs, lots of tables, including some outside where they found Sam.  He was just a bit taller then Bucky with kind eyes that seemed to harden when he noticed Bucky.

"Hey, Sam!" He looked side eyed at Natasha as she sounded almost chipper.

He watched as Sam gave Nat a hug, then looked over at Bucky. He could almost feel the way his eyes looked at him, he wasn't sure what he was looking for but he seemed to find it as he stuck out his hand, "Sam Wilson."

Bucky shook his hand "James Barnes."

They took their seats as the waitress came over, each of them ordering coffees and pastries.

"So," Sam jumped in, "Your the famous Bucky Barnes, that Steve has told me so much about."

Bucky sat up straighter, his stomach clenching with Steve's name. "I haven't been Bucky in a long time, most people know me as James.  As for what Steve told you, I'm not sure what I can say."

Sam laughed, "I know you think I'm here to yell at you, tell you how bad you treated Steve and everything but I'm sure that's stuff you already know."

Bucky nodded, "Then why are you here?"

Sam raised an eyebrow at his bluntness, "I'm here because 5 years ago I met Steve and since then he's slowly talked about you less and less.  Then last night you show up and well, I'm scared Steve's gonna get hurt again."

The waitress brought their coffee, as Bucky took in Sam's words, he waited until she left before looking at Sam, "So...what? You don't want me to go near him?"

"No, that's not what I'm saying.  I'm saying that, it took Steve a while to get where he is now. I know he never really got over what happened, still hasn't I don't think, but I think he wants to get to know you again. If your asking me though, I think you need to make the first move because if you allow Steve to do it then hes going to keep wondering if you really wanna be with him."

Bucky took a drink of coffee as his mind raced, "You think he wants to be with me again."

Sam's eyes widened, the he threw his head back and laughed, "That's what you got out of that? Man, you just as bad as him"

He could feel Natasha shaking with laughter beside him but when he turned and to look, her expression was straight. Bucky looked back at Sam trying to sort out what he wanted to ask him, there was so much.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Shoot." Sam said

"I know I have no right to know but what was he like when you met him?"

Sam looked at him seriously, "Your right, you have no right to know but I think you need to hear it." Bucky watched as he seemed to gather his thoughts, "I met Steve my first year in college, I had just got out of the Air Force, and he was sophomore.  I was taking a dance class in the same building where his art class was. One day I saw this scrawny kid trying to carry a painting canvas that was to big for him, along with a backpack and painting supplies.  I ran over offering help but he looked at me I was going to beat him up take his stuff, he told 'Thanks, but I don't need your pity besides I don't have any money so why don't you find someone else to help.' I thought I was going to get beat up.

Bucky let out a small chuckle, as Sam took a sip of coffee before continuing, "I told him it wasn't pity and I wasn't going to mug him, just wanted to help. Man, he looked at me like I had two heads before letting me help.   It took me several more times of seeing him before he told me his name and about two months before he would hang out with me.  He told me he didn't do friends, that friends just let people down."

Bucky jerked in seat, feeling like he had been shot again.  That wasn't the Steve he knew, he might of not had any close friends besides Bucky but he always talked to people. Always helped out anyone in the building who needed help, most people liked Steve.

"One day, he told me that he wouldn't mind me being his friend but that he had more problems then just his health. I asked him what he meant and that's when he told me about you and how he was still trying to get you out of his head.  After a while though he finally accepted that I wasn't going anywhere and slowly let me be a friend.  I was the one who talked him into taking a dance class, he was two left feet for a while but it seemed to help."

Bucky noticed Sam watching him, he wasn't sure what to say.  Sam seemed like a good friend to Steve and he was so grateful for that but he had to know.

"What happened, Sam? What's he been through that you say he's finally getting better because it sounds like he was just being stubborn."

Sam stiffened, "Don't you dare say he just being stubborn. I can't tell you what he's been through because I was only there to help pick up the pieces even when he didn't want me to.  I can tell you that I can't count the times I would find him passed out from being stinking drunk or the bruises I've seen cause some guy he picked up was a little to rough or how many times I've taken him to the hospital because he wouldn't take care of himself and he got sick or his asthma got to bad. So don't tell me he was fine, he was hurting."

Bucky let the guilt roll over him as Sam took a deep breath, calming down a bit. "He hurt for so long, then he met a girl named Peggy when he was a senior and I thought maybe she would help him get better. She was tough, strong, and called him on all his bullshit.  She started to help him by making him get out, not only out of his head but go for walks around the block with her plus keep up with dance.  Eventually, the exercise helped and his asthma got a little better so she would invite him to the gym. He had a growth spurt around the end of his sophomore year so he was taller but with dance and exercise he started to gain muscle.  I thought that Peggy had gotten him finally over you but he showed up one night, drunk off his ass, talking about how Peggy was going to leave him because everybody does, they broke up a couple months later and she moved back to England. He went back to his ways, until I got tired of it and threw all his booze away, we had a huge argument that ended with him realizing he had a problem.  He's been doing better, he quit his old strip club and started at Shield which nicer than his old job." He looked straight at Bucky "Last night was the first night he had a drink in almost 6 months."

Bucky's eyes were stinging from unshed tears, his coffee was cold and his napkin was in pieces, the guilt of not only causing Steve pain but not being there for him was making his stomach hurt. He was having trouble wrapping his mind around everything that Sam had told him.  Steve had always been a strong person, maybe not physically but his will was always strong, Steve's mom always said he had the heart of lion in the body of a lamb.

"I..." Bucky looked down at the table again.

He heard Sam sigh, "I'm not trying to make you feel guilty James, I just wanted you know that even though its been years for you for some reason to Steve it seems like yesterday.  I'm not sure why he can't let you go but I do know that he won't, not now.  So, if you don't want anything to with him then you need to tell him and not lead him on, but if there's any chance you do wanna know him again then your going to have your work cut out."

Bucky was staring at the tabletop trying to collect his thoughts, running through what he wanted to say. He looked up staring Sam right in the eye, "I'm sorry about what I said but its hard for me to wrap my mind around Steve giving up like.  He was always a fighter. To tell you the truth I do want to get to know him again, and I'm not going to tell you that I got over him it was more like I repressed everything that happened between us.  I've tried hard not to think about him, blocking it out, replacing it with the military."

Sam nodded encouraging him to go on, "Steve was my first love and I haven't loved anyone like that since.  I'm not sure we can go back to that but I miss him being my friend.  No matter what our relationship was he was always my friend first, he helped me with so much and even though it was my fault he was hurt, it kills me that I wasn't there for him.  I'm not sure how to make any of this right."

He felt Natasha put her hand on his arm, as Sam stared at him.  They sat in silence for a few minutes letting everything soak in before Sam spoke again.

"I'm not sure how you make it right either but I know its not by running away again. Even if you don't want a romantic relationship with him, if your going to be his friend then you need to make sure that your here for the good and the bad."

Bucky wanted to tell Sam that he was, that he was here no matter what but he could speak he heard a commotion behind him.

"What the hell!" That was Steve's voice, he jerked around fast seeing Steve stand there in slacks and a button down.

He was more dressed than last night but Bucky couldn't help but realize how good he looked.  The button down shirt was just a little bit too tight but it showed off his arms and chest.  It was a dark blue color that brought out his eyes, his hair was parted and combed on the side and he was standing there staring at them with a shocked look on his face.

"Steve, listen.." he heard Sam say as he stood up.

Steve's face hardened and his eyes light with fire. Maybe, Bucky was wrong maybe it wasn't that Steve wasn't fighting, maybe it was just that Steve was fighting with himself.

"What do you want me to listen to Sam? Do you know what today is? After everything you don't even tell me." He yelled, his face was red and he looked like he didn't whether to run away or walk forward. Bucky sat there for a minute as it dawned on him what Steve was asking, when he realized it was October 15th his eyes went wide.

"Shit," Sam said again, "Steve, I'm sorry I forgot we were suppose to meet.  Why don't you sit down and we can all talk."

Bucky's hands were shaking as he watched Steve go through his emotions.  No wonder Steve was dressed up today, 10 years ago Sarah Rogers passed away and Steve had probably just came from her grave. Bucky looked at Steve closer, seeing beyond his clothes, his eyes were red rimmed like he had been crying, his hands were clenched, and his breath was jagged.

"Talk? You want me to talk? What happened to last night when you told me to figure out what I wanted? Now, you just want me to sit down and play nice like nothing happened?"

"Steve, you know that's not what I'm asking." Sam told him walking forward.

Bucky thought about what Sam had said about taking the first step as he stood turning towards Steve, "Steve..." Steve turned to him in shock, "I'm sorry, I didn't know you were meeting Sam today and I'm sorry to intrude today but I would like to talk to you." Bucky told him, his hands shaking and his knees feeling weak.

Steve's eyes softened before they flared again, "You want to talk? You want me to sit across from you and tell you everything you've done to me while you look at me like I'm still the sick weakling you knew." Bucky flinched at his harsh words.

"I never thought you were weak" Bucky told him.

Steve let out a harsh laugh, as he turned to Sam, "You two should be good friends you can talk about all the ways you know how broken I was and am."  Steve turned to walk away with Sam following behind him trying to calm him down.

Bucky fell back in the chair, feeling Natasha's hand on his shoulder, "You didn't think it was going to be easy did you? He has 6 years of anger bottled up."

Bucky shook his head, as he watched Steve get into a cab leaving Sam staring after him.  He knew it wasn't going to be easy but he had watched Steve fight so many battles in the past whether it was sickness or bullys, Bucky was always there for him. If Steve needed to be angry at him, then he would be there for that too.

"I know its not going to be easy, Nat, but I gave up last time. I was the one who left, and now I'm the one who needs to stay.  I'll take whatever anger he wants to dish out." He told her as Sam made his way back to the table.

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is all Steve.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't sure if I wanted Angry Steve/Tony sex or a big huge Sam/Steve counseling session. So here's this. Hope its ok. Again all mistakes are my own. If they're really bad let me know. Oh and I put a a picture at the end so you can see what I picture as Stripper Steve.

Steve was pissed. Actually, he was so far beyond that, he wasn't sure there was a word for it. The problem was he wasn't sure why it bothered him so much that Sam and Bucky were having coffee together...was it because Bucky was actually talking to Sam or maybe, it was because Sam hadn't told him there were getting together.   Steve realized suddenly, it was because Sam and him had built up a routine together, every month after Steve had went to visit his mom, they would have coffee while Steve told Sam some of his happy memories of his mom.

He was jealous, that what it was.  Steve could feel the tension in his shoulder get stronger as he thought this over.  He was jealous, not because Bucky had went to Sam first but he was jealous they were there without him, like they were both shutting him out.  He knew it wasn't true, Sam had been there for him through a lot but Bucky could charm anyone, always had and now it looked like he had done the same with Sam.

Steve knew if he didn't do something soon he was going to burst.  He only had a few options when it came to blowing off steam, he was pretty sure that getting drunk right now wouldn't be good, and if he got into another fight he would be fired. He threw a handful of bills at the cab driver as it pulled up outside the club.

S.H.I.E.L.D. looked lonely in the daylight with out the neon lights, people, and blaring music.  Steve made his was towards the back of the building making sure he had his key on him, he usually didn't come here until right before his shift but there was a small gym at the back that would be empty.  Well, if you could call a couple treadmills, an elliptical, a weight set and a punching bag a gym.  Most of the guys preferred the bigger gyms, so it would probably be empty and quiet which was why Steve was here.

He realized when he entered the building that he was still wearing slacks and a button up, 

not really gym clothes.

 

Sliding down to sit on the small bench that was pressed up against the far wall, Steve let his head hit the brick wall a couple times.  He wanted to scream or punch something instead he just let his head keep hitting the wall as tried to push the anger back.

The door knob twisted and Steve jumped off the bench, hands coming up in fist. The door swung open, reveling Tony Stark standing there looking like he hadn't slept in days, in torn up jeans, a Black Sabbath shirt that had seen better days and no shoes.

"Damn, Cap, I thought someone was breaking in."

Steve realized he was still standing there in a fighting stance, "Sorry, didn't know you would be here." He slowly stood up straighter.

"Ehh...I never really leave. So what are you doing here? Doesn't look like your here to work out." Tony told him, looking him up and down.

Steve didn't know whether to be offended or flattered that Tony was checking him out, instead he brushed past him. Now that the door was open he could go get his extra pair of sweats and tennis shoes that he 

kept here just in case.

"Hey, where do you think your going?" Tony called after him.

Steve did his best to not listen, as retrieved his clothes heading for the changing room.  He looked back see that Tony was staring at him, "You know at this point I usually tell people the show ain't free but seeing as how your my boss you should know that."

Steve laughed as Tony actually blushed a little, "I...I...I wasn't..."

"Whats a matter, Stark? Cat got your tongue?"

Tony tried to give me a hard look but it fell a little flat, "Don't flatter yourself, Spangles." He said trying to retain some of his cockiness.

"Really?" Steve said, turning towards him, "So you never saw anything you like? Never at all?" He asked, slowly approaching Tony.

Steve figured this was figured this was either going to end in a fight or really good sex and right now both would be fine with him.  He rolled his hips a little as he walked, almost like a predator stalking a prey as he backed Tony against the wall.

Tony's eyes were wide and he kept opening and shutting his mouth, like he wasn't sure what to say.  Steve put his hands on the wall, boxing Tony in, leaning down til his mouth was against Tony's ear. "Cause I've seen the way you watch.  Standing on the side of the stage, always the first one to say something when I walk off.  So, do you want to repeat your answer." He whispered.

He was so close he could feel Tony's breath pick up, "Tell me to stop, right now Stark and I will.  Just say the word and I will turn and walk out of this room."

He knew it wasn't a good idea, Tony was his boss and he was angry and a little hurt, but he couldn't back away now.  He slowly and lightly ran his lips down Tony's neck just barely touching him, feeling the other man gasp.

Steve pulled back, looking down at Tony, brown eyes meeting blue, looking for a sign to stop.  Tony gave a brief nod, and reached out to run his hands over Steve's arms. Steve smiled as he leaned back in closer, knees slotting between Tony's thighs as he nipped and kissed his neck.

He moved one hand from the wall grabbing Tony's hair pulling it back to expose more of his neck.  Hands were gripping Steve's arms a little harder as Tony rocked against him letting out little gasps and moans.  Steve realized his body wasn't as with the program as Tony, his mind trying to catch up to the change of events but he knew that if he pushed his thoughts back, not allow himself to think that it would only take a minute.

He pressed in closer as he moved his lips down the other man's neck, nipping along his collarbone, one hand in Tony's hair the other coming down to grab his hip. He was usually on the other side of this, only taking charge like this when he was so worked up that he needed to pound someone into the nearest surface to make him feel better.

Stark was starting to move his hands up and down Steve's chest, starting on buttons. He grabbed Tony's wrist, pushing them above his head, pinning them there with one hand and moving his face with other until he met Steve's eyes.

Tony's pupils were wide and his mouth was red where he had bitten his lips, "You sure you want this? Because if you do, then you need to know that for me this is a one time thing." Steve told him, his voice rough.

"Yea," Tony squeaked, then cleared his throat, "Yea, I'm sure and I'm not exactly a more than one night kinda guy myself."

Steve smiled, then dove in capturing Tony's lips.  The kiss wasn't soft, Tony's lips were chapped and he tasted like toothpaste and coffee, Steve licked and nipped at Tony's bottom lip effectively controlling the kiss. He pulled back and continued his trek down Tony's neck, scrapping his teeth across the other man's neck, then ran the hand that wasn't holding up Tony's wrist up around to the small of Tony's back running it underneath the shirt.

He dug his nails in, pushing Tony forward as he leaned his knee in a little more putting more pressure on Tony.  He smiled against Tony's skin as the other man moaned, his head falling back, hitting the wall.  He removed his hand from Tony's wrist bringing around next to his other hand, slowly moving them up taking Tony's shirt with them. Steve's nails raked against Tony's nipples causing the other man to groan and wiggle around pushing Steve's knee harder against him.

Steve watched with a smile on his face, "Do you think I could get you off like this?" He asked, his voice rough, "Just let you squirm against my knee as I played with your nipples."

His nails were flicking back and forth as he leaned in with his tongue.

BANG, BANG, BANG!!

They jerked apart as the sound echoed through the club, causing Tony to almost fall.

BANG, BANG, BANG!!

Steve glanced over at Tony who was trying to get straighten himself up, "I think its someone at the door, I'll just go check and tell them to go away." Tony told him, his voice unsteady, heading toward the main part of the club.

"Or you can just let them keep knocking and let them get the hint."

Tony turned to look at him, "As much as I would like to, you never know who it could be and I'm not putting my business at risk for hot, sweaty sex with you no matter how good it would be."

Steve raised an eyebrow, "Oh, so you know it would be good?" He challenged.

BANG, BANG, BANG!!

Tony rolled his eyes, but turned and headed for the door.

Steve fell back, leaning on the wall as he let what just happened wash over him.  He had almost had sex with Tony, his boss, the guy who more than once he wanted to hit, all because he wasn't in control of his emotions. He let his mind race as he thought about everything that had happened today.

He wasn't sure how long he stood there just letting himself think.

"So are you holding up the wall or is it holding up you?" Sam's voice cut through his thoughts.

Steve grunted, not wanting to look at Sam.

"So do I wanna know what happened or should I just drag your ass outta here?"

Steve sighed and pushed himself off the wall. He didn't bother grabbing the sweats or anything as he walked back through the gym and out the back door.  The cool air hit his face, clearing his head a bit. He felt Sam's hand on his shoulder.

"Usually, I would say lets get a coffee but you look like you could use something harder.  So, how bout you come to my place and have some ice cream."

Steve huffed out a laugh, "Yea, sure." he said as he followed Sam to his car.

 

 

Steve was staring at his bowl of ice cream watching it melt.

"Ya know if your just going to watch it then give it here."

Steve reached across the couch, "Here."

They hadn't said much on the drive over, Steve quietly simmering and Sam not sure what to say.

Sam sat his bowl on the coffee table, turning towards Steve. "So, is this where you say that wasn't what it looked like? 'Cause if you do, I'll have to tell you that to me it looked like you and Tony were about 5 seconds away from making sure that the tables needed disinfecting."

Steve stared at the wall, letting the joke fall flat as his ears turned red, he heard Sam sigh beside him. "Damn it, Steve! We've been over this time and time again.  You can't keep doing this to yourself, alright.  Especially, not with Tony cause not only is he your boss but he can be an ass."

"I know, alright," Steve said, turning towards Sam, "Do you think I went there with that in mind?  No, I went there to use the punching bag in quiet but one minute I'm grabbing an extra pair of sweats and the next I have my hand up his shirt."

"Ahh....no details, please.  Its enough that his hair was sticking up and neck was all red, I really, really don't need that imagine in my brain."

Steve groaned, putting his head in hands.  He was definitely never going to live this down.

"Steve, dude.."He heard Sam sigh, "Ok, what done is done.  Can you a least tell me why you stormed off?"

He didn't want to tell Sam, he knew it was stupid and petty but he also knew Sam wasn't going to let him off that easy. He shifted, meeting Sam's eyes.

"Its stupid, I know, but, I don't know I just..."

"Just?"

"Just, that I felt like I was being left out again.  Like, you didn't tell me because you didn't want me there." He held up his cutting Sam off, "I told you its stupid, I feel like some whiny, little lovesick girl crying cause some guy wouldn't talk to her."

Sam let out a laugh, "That's cause you are." Steve rolled his eyes, focusing back on the wall, "Look, I know you think its stupid but I'm telling you that it was nothing like that.  I was trying to be a good friend, I wanted to make sure that he wasn't going to come back just to leave again.  I also wanted to make sure he knew that you weren't the same guy he knew back then, because just like I told you, you've changed just as much as he has."

Steve let what Sam was saying roll over him.  He knew that Sam was a good friend, one of the best, he had stood by Steve through screw up after screw up even though he was pushed passed his breaking point several times. So, Steve knew what he was saying was true but it still hurt him a little that Sam didn't tell him

Sam seemed to figure out that it wasn't about him talking to Bucky but him not telling Steve, "Shit, Steve, I'm sorry ok.  I didn't mean not to tell you, I just figured that if you knew then you think that I was trying to pressure you to forgive him, which I'm not, but I needed to do this.  I'm also sorry that I forgot about today.  You counted on me to be there after you saw your mom and I dropped the ball."

Steve's was still staring at the wall, he didn't want to talk about what today was because once he did this he knew he wouldn't be able to resist drinking.  Even though he expected it today, it still hit him hard that it had been 10 years but with everything else it seemed like he had tunnel vision.  If he just focused on one problem at a time the rest would disappear.

"I'm sorry, too, Sam.  I shouldn't have gotten mad.  I was still a little upset and seeing you guys there just set me off."

"I know, but you also need to know that I'm probably going to hang out with him again and you need to know that it doesn't change our friendship."

Steve finally tore his eyes from the wall, meeting Sam's gaze. "I know that, Sam.  I can't say that I'm going to be great with this but I'll try." He took a deep breath. "I'm also sorry you had to see what you saw.  I..uh..I want to say that I wasn't myself but we both know that's a lie."

Sam snorted, "Yea, I know.  Just not sure why you keep putting yourself through this stuff."

Steve bit his lip, "I know.  Do you remember when you ask me why Bucky still had this hold over me?"  He waited until Sam nodded before continuing, "I always said I never knew.  Just figuring it had to do with loving him so much that it felt like a piece of me was gone when he left.  But it's that and more."

Sam's eyes widened, "Are you telling me that you had a breakthrough on this and your just now telling me?"

Steve nodded, speaking before Sam could, "Its not like that Sam.  It didn't change anything, just made me a little more aware of why I was doing it, which made me drink more so I could push those feelings down."

"So are you going to tell me this great epiphany  or am I going to have to wait another 5 years?"

Deciding that the floor was more interesting, Steve stared at the carpet as he spoke, "Yea.  It was a couple years ago after Peggy left, I was at some random bar with a guy rubbing up on me.  He was telling me how big, strong, and hot I was and I realized that I craved those words.  See, Bucky wasn't just my first guy I was with but he was my first everything: First crush, first kiss, first time, and first love but he was also the first person to make me see myself as something other than a scrawny kid who always got sick and who got into to many fights.  I guess I just wanted to feel that again, like I was someone to be wanted just for being me."

He waited for Sam to say something, feeling self conscience about what he just said.

 

_"Buck, hush.  You don't have to say I'm good looking, I know what I look like."_

_He could feel Bucky stiffen behind him, "Steven Grant Rogers! Don't you dare say you ain't good looking.  Your the best lookin' guy I know."_

_Steve rolled his eyes, "Sure, Buck, whatever you say."_

_Bucky grabbed his hand, pulling him out of the kitchen into the living.  He sat Steve on the couch as he paced back and forth._

_"Seriously, Steve, you don't fucking see yourself the way I do."_

_Steve huffed, crossing his arms.  It wasn't the first time they had had this argument but Steve had never seen Bucky like this._

_"What's it matter?"_

_"Cause, Stevie," He said, coming to sit next to Steve, "You matter to me.  I hate that you can't see how amazing you are.  Because you are, Steve, your amazing."_

_Steve felt Bucky pull at his arms, then pull him until Steve was in his lap.  Bucky's hand was on his neck, his thumb tracing Steve's jaw as he gazed up at him._

_"See, cause, its not about how when you close your eyes you have these eyelash that seemed to go on and on, or how your eyes are so blue there's not even a word for it.  It's not about the way they light up when there's fireworks or you see something you want to draw.  The way your fingers twitch and your eyes flick back and forth like your memorizing everything.  Its not about the way you draw, the way you concentrate so hard your tongue pokes out and the world falls away or the way your drawings bring life to everything."_

_He shifted, bringing Steve's forehead to his, "Its all that Steve, its all that plus the things that make you, you.  The way your eyes light with fire before you charge into another stupid fight," He said, moving to swipe a kiss over Steve's cheek where a bruise was fading, "Its the way you always help Miss Thompson with her groceries when she has too many bags," This time he brought Steve's hands up to kiss the palms, "Its the way you look in the morning, and the way you look at me." Kissing both of Steve's eyelids as they fluttered shut, "Its the way you always look like I'm the sun shining, when the truth is, your my sun.  No matter what you brighten my day, as sappy as that is," He said with a snort._

_"As sappy, as all this is, its true Steve.  Your my sun, you make me survive. See, I feel like I got the best kept secret when people can't see that and I'm so selfish that sometimes I hope they never do.  But I know one day they will.  But until then, I will be happy to be the only one to know this because you are mine." He growled, causing Steve to laugh._

_"You are mine, Steven Grant Rogers, and I will tell you over and over again as many times as you need me, that you are beautiful and amazing."_

_"Your hands," another kiss on his palms, "Your eyes," another on the eyelids, "but most important your heart and soul that shine through everything."  He placed his lips on Steve's chest right where his heart was hammering. "You are perfect, Stevie." This time he brought their mouths together in a sweet kiss, his hand in Steve's hair as Steve's fisted in his shirt._

_Their lips pressed softly together, Steve let his tongue slowly swipe against Bucky's lower lip, tasting cigarettes, mints, and coffee that was so Bucky, before pulling back.  Steve closed his eyes trying to get his heart to quit racing._

_"God, your such a sap." He told Bucky._

_Bucky laughed wrapping his arms around Steve, "I'll be whatever you want, punk."_

_"Jerk." Steve said before diving back in for another kiss._

_Later, when Bucky was sleeping wrapped around Steve with his head in the crook of Steve's neck, Steve though about what Bucky had said.  He wouldn't admit it but with every word, every kiss, Bucky had seemed to strip away layers of Steve's self doubt.  They way he looked at Steve like Steve was something to be treasured.  Something else he wouldn't tell Bucky, was the he was selfish too.  Because he liked the way Bucky had called him, his.  He had liked the way Bucky had said everything, so much so that Steve wanted to tell Bucky again that he wasn't good looking just to see if he would tell him all that all over again._

 

Steve jerked back to the present as he heard Sam clear his throat beside him.

"Sorry, Sam, guess I zoned out." He sighed, "Guess I'm apologizing a lot today."

 "Nah, its ok.  Not sure where you went there and I'm not going to ask."

Steve gave him a small smile, glad that Sam wasn't going to push it.

"So can I ask you something?" Sam was looking at him with a confused look.

"You know you can ask me anything, Sam."

Sam snorted, "The problem is half the time I really don't want to know the answer." He paused, looking away from Steve,"So I've always wondered, is that why you got into stripping? Because until now I was pretty sure it was because you liked to dance and the money."

Steve shook his head, "The money's ok and I do like to dance, but yea I think so." He really hadn't thought to much into it, "Your the one who got me into dancing, but back when Peggy was around she had a friend who took pole dancing classes and I was curious.   I thought it was going to be just women parading around, trying to be sexy.  But the one I went to focused more on the movements and being graceful.  I was still this somewhat tall, gangly thing that had to stop and use an inhaler, now and again, but when I started to learn and saw there faces.  It was like they saw something else, like I was something else, and it felt so damn good."

"And that's when you quit art?"

Sam's was still avoiding Steve's eyes but he knew that Sam had been wanting to ask him this for a while.

"No," he almost whispered, "I....I never really quit art.  Sometimes, it was the only thing that quieted my head, it was as if I blocked everything out when I was working on a project.  I didn't pursue it after I graduated because I figured if it didn't work then it would just be one more thing that I was a disappointment in, but I still sketch and draw."

Sam shot him a surprised look, "Really? Because I haven't as so much seen you with a sketch book in about 2 years."

Steve grimaced, "Yea, I said I don't do it often.  Usually, its at night when I've got to much going on in my head.  When I know that nothing else the will quiet the thoughts, I'll grab it and head up to the roof.  I just didn't want anyone to know."

Sam watched him, then got up grabbed the bowls sitting on the coffee table before heading into the kitchen.  Steve heard him sit the bowls in the sink but when he didn't immediately come back in, Steve figured he needed a minute.

After about 5 minutes of staring at the wall again, Sam came back again to sit beside him. "Look, I now its been hard to tell me these things.  I'm still not sure why you didn't tell me before but I'm glad you told me now."

Steve felt like a weight he didn't even know he had been carrying seemed to lift, "Sorry for being a crappy friend."

Sam gave him a small smile, "Everyone has a time when their a crappy friend.  Besides, you told me before we were friends what I was getting into and I still wanted to be your friend."

Steve smiled and looked over at Sam, "Thanks Sam.  Don't know what I would without you."

"Oh, I know.  You know this isn't going to get better over night but, Steve, just talking about and getting it out there helps.  But I am going to tell you that in a strictly friendly way that it doesn't matter if were talking about now or then.  Your still have a small ass."

Steve threw his head back laughing.  He felt Sam smack his shoulder "So what time do you go on tonight?"

Steve's stomach twisted, he forgot all about tonight.  "Umm....around midnight.  God, this is going to be so awkward." Steve could feel his face getting hot at the thought of having to face Tony again.

"Oh, now its awkward."  Sam paused a minute, "So, are you ready for my advice for today?"

Steve laughed, "Yea, lay it on me councilor."

Sam rolled his eyes then looked over to Steve."Ok.  About all this you feeling inadequate, you need to know that a lot of people go through that after a break up.  I think yours was worse because Bucky was your best friend that you had known all your life.  So, not only were you losing the guy you loved but a piece of your family.  Now, that family is back and your having a hard time accepting that but I think it might actually help you to talk to Bucky."

Steve wasn't sure he heard Sam right.  He trusted Sam, though, so maybe it would be for the best but he didn't know if he could handle it.

"I want to but what if it just makes it worse.  I mean just knowing that he's in town is making me crazy."

"I know. I just think he owes it to you to actually explain himself.  I'm not letting him off the hook for what he did to you but both of you lost each other.  Maybe, its time for you to figure out how to find each other again."

"Do you think that would be good?"

"Even if all you two do is yell at each other, at least your getting things out in the open.  Who know where that might lead?"

Steve's head was spinning and he wanted a drink but he did feel a little lighter just telling Sam these things.  He got up from the couch, stretching his back out.

"Again, Thanks Sam."

"No problem, a little above my pay grade but I'm here to help."

Steve laughed turning towards the door, "Guess I'll head out.  I still feel like going and using the punching bag but maybe I'll go to my own gym."

Sam crossed his arms and gave Steve what looked like a angry stare, "So that's it. Eat my ice cream and leave.  Hell, you didn't even eat it, just watched it melt.  I don't even get a Sarah Rogers story today?"

Steve had almost forgotten how this day started.  Him in his Sunday best, putting flowers on his mom's grave telling her about how he saw Bucky again.

"Yea, I can do that." Sam smiled at him, "Did I ever tell you about time my mom actually caught me after I had just been pulled out of a fight?"

"Dude, Steve, no.  What happened?"

"There was this guy who was hitting on this girl but she didn't want anything to do with him.  So he started to put his hands on her, so I rushed in the middle.  He had about a year and 80 pounds on me but I wasn't going to back down.  Bucky was coming home and saw it so he pulled me out, again.  My mom had came home early because she wasn't feeling well but as she turned the corner there I was, the guy had ran but I was standing there with blood dripping down my nose as Bucky made sure the girl was ok."

Sam was looking at him with a fond smile on his face. "So you really never learned to back off did you?  So how old were you?"

"I was about 13, almost 14, and Bucky was 15.  Mom took one look at me grabbed me by my elbow and marched me home.  She cleaned me up, yelled at me and refused to let Bucky see me because she thought he had started it."  Steve usually didn't tell Sam his memories of his mom that involved Bucky but those were getting fewer.

"So what happened?"

"Bucky apologized to her and I told her it was me but she told us we couldn't see each other for a few weeks.  He snuck in my window every night.  I think she knew it too but  she never did say anything, she would just ask me if I slept well and put an extra pillow on my bed."

Sam cracked up,"She sounds awesome Steve."

"She was.  When I came out and told her me and Bucky were dating, all she did was look at me and tell me that she knew that for about year."

Sam laughed harder.  "Man, I wish I had met her."

"Wish you would have to.  She would of liked you, she said the reason she like Bucky so much was that he could keep me in line but Bucky would just laugh and say looks could be deceiving."

Sam snorted beside him, "Ain't that the truth."

Steve tried to give him a hard look but they both ended up with heads thrown back, laughing.  After a few minutes, Steve wiped his eyes and got his breath, he realized that all the anger that had been there when he first got to Sam's was slowly fading.

"So, am I free to leave now?"

Sam stood, clapping Steve on the shoulder. "Don't do that again, ok?  Today, doesn't happen again.  If you need to talk or punch something you can always count of me."

Steve's throat felt like it was closing so he just nodded.

"Good, now I'm not saying it has to be right away but I think you need to talk to Barnes, Ok?"

"Yea, Sam, got it." Steve said around the lump in his throat.

"Good, now get the hell outta here."

Steve smiled, wrapping Sam in a hug before heading out.  His head felt a little clearer but he still didn't know what he was going to do.  He had made things a mess, not just with Bucky but Tony too.  He needed to talk to both of them but he knew it probably wasn't going to go well.

He took a breath before heading out, Sam lived two blocks from his apartment and all he could think about was getting a nap before tonight.

 

 

Steve was sitting in the dressing area as people moved around him.  He wasn't exactly avoiding Tony but he wasn't going out of his way to track him down.  It was about 10 minutes before he went on when he saw him heading towards the dressing area.  Steve's stomach sank knowing this couldn't be avoided as Tony spotted him. 

Tony jerked his head sideways indicating that he wanted to talk to Steve.  Steve checked himself one more time before he followed Tony to a side room.

"So...."Tony began

"Uh...yea....um...So, sorry about today." Steve finally sputtered out.

Tony's eyebrows shot up before he crossed his arms and gave Steve a blank stare, "Sorry about getting interrupted or sorry it happened?"

Steve wasn't sure the right answer here but he tried for the truth. "Actually, I'm sorry for what happened.  Not that it wouldn't have been good but um....I wasn't in the best place today."  He was sure his face was beat red by now but Tony seemed to relax a little.

"I get it, alright.  Really.  Just wanted to make sure that you understand that it doesn't change things around here.  I'm still your boss."

It seemed that the Tony he knew was back. "Got it.  Is that it cause I'm bout to go on."

Tony scratched the back of his neck avoiding Steve's gaze. "Uh..no, your not.  Your schedules changed, you will be last and you don't have to worry about private rooms tonight."

Steve was shocked, Tony never put him on last.  He sat there for a minute the silence becoming awkward before he spoke. "Thanks?"

"Yea, well, don't thank me alright.  You just don't seem to into this tonight and don't wanna loose business because of it."

Steve rolled his eyes, of course that was what Tony was thinking of.  Tony gave him a pat on the shoulder before heading out of the room leaving Steve in silence unsure what to do for the next hour.  He pulled the door open thinking he might sneak out for a while, when he barreled into someone.

Someone who now grabbing Steve's arms to steady themselves, someone in too tight jeans and a v-neck, someone who hands felt a little different, someone......

"Bucky?"

Bucky pushed his hair back as his blue grey eyes met Steve's causing his breath to catch in his chest.

"Hey.  I was wondering if we could talk?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Stripper Steve

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky's pov of the same day. Bucky tells Natasha about Steve's mom and he comes to a decision.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to say Thank you to everyone who has read this and like it. Again all mistakes are mine.

Sam came back to their table muttering something about "ass" and "stupid" and something that sounded like "I would punch him in the face if he wouldn't punch me back." Bucky just sat there silently unsure about what to do.

"Sorry," Sam said, running his hand over his face. "I have to go. I need to find his ass before he does something stupid."

Bucky nodded. He wanted to tell Sam that he was coming to, that he wanted to make sure Steve was ok but his throat had seemed to close up and he wasn't sure that it was the best idea.

"Its ok, Sam, we understand." Nat said beside him, standing to give Sam a hug.

Bucky cleared his throat, "Sam....I wanna say thanks. For today. For meeting me here. I didn't expect Steve to get mad but I understand really I do. I..um...I know what today is and he's probably hurt and he's too stubborn to want help so he gets mad."

Nat was looking at him sideways and Sam looked at him surprised, "Yea, man, I know. But its what he does when he's hurt or mad that's got me worried." He sighed, as he put money on the table, "Look, I don't mean to take it out on you but Steve's changed from the boy you knew who took his anger out on other people. This Steve, is liable to do something that in the end will hurt him worse, so I need to figure out where he went."

"How are you going to do that?"

He was glad that Natasha had asked because he wasn't sure he could.  His stomach had dropped the moment Sam had said that what Steve did would hurt himself, he wasn't sure if he meant physically or mentally but he hoped Sam found him before that.

"Well, considering the way the cab drove off there's only a couple of options," He heard Sam say but his voice seemed far away, "Its too early for a bar, and his gym and apartment are the opposite way so that narrows it down."

"S.H.I.E.L.D." That was Natasha's voice, good she would help Sam.

"Damn, your right.  I really need to go."  Sam said but he was already walking off.

Bucky tried to focus, but his mind was on Steve.  He was worried that Sam wouldn't find him, that Steve would do something really stupid.  He was vaguely aware of someone rubbing his back as he stared at the table.

"James." Natasha's voice cut through his thoughts, "Come on, lets go back to your place."

He shook his head, "Need a minute."

"Ok." She said still rubbing his back.  He concentrated on his breathing trying to calm himself down.

"Nat, what if Sam doesn't find him?  What if he's hurt or something?" Finally, voicing his fears.

He felt her sigh, then start fiddling with her coffee cup.  Natasha was someone who never fiddled, if she had something to say she said it.

"What, Nat?"

She sat her coffee cup down, "Lets walk." She told him getting up and sitting down enough money to cover both their drinks.

She led the way out of the cafe, towards the park.  They had been walking a few minutes before she spoke again, "I've known Sam for a while.  We met when I went to VA to get some information for you."  He was surprised, she had never told him that she had went there.  "He was on a break and helped me when the the woman I was talking to wouldn't give me the information I wanted."  He let out a little laugh. Knowing Natasha she had probably threatened the woman before Sam stepped in.

She stopped and turned to him causing him to almost run into her, "I need you to promise me that if I tell you this, that you won't mention again. Ok?"

He nodded, noticing that she seemed a little unsure about telling him.  "Come on, lets find a bench."  She said, leading him into the park.

They finally found a bench a little out of the way, Natasha sat down pulling her knees up before turning to him.  "So, about a month after I met Sam he called me late one night asking if I had a car.  I told him I did and he asked if I could meet him at some bar, saying he had a friend that needed a ride home and he couldn't get him in a cab.  So I drove out, when I walked in there was Sam with some tall blonde guy leaning on him.  Before I could get over there, the guy had pushed off of Sam and stumbled over to some guy who was at the bar, the whole time Sam was trying to pull him away.  He managed to push Sam away again and he started whispering in the guys ear, hands all over him.  Sam finally managed to get Steve away and we barely got him in the car before he passed out." 

She paused, looking out at the park, "I asked Sam if the guy was having a bad break up or something, he shook his head and said that he wished but that he had been doing this for a while.  Told me that it had gotten worse cause he was having trouble at work but that it wasn't the first time this had happened."

Bucky's heart was hammering so hard he was sure Natasha could hear it.  He wanted to tell her it didn't sound like the Steve he knew but he couldn't.  He couldn't cause the Steve he knew seemed to be gone, Steve never would of done something like that.  He remembered a couple of times that he had taken Steve to a house party, only for Steve to have one beer and be buzzed but he never had gotten really drunk.  Fuck, he had messed up.

"But...but Sam said he had gotten better." He said in a weak voice.

Natasha gave him a look that said he was stupid, "Yea, he had.  Only because Sam got pissed and threw out everything, he told Steve that he wasn't doing this anymore and that everyone had a breaking point.  Steve seemed to realize he was treating Sam badly and things had changed for bit."

She paused patting his knee, "He's actually a good guy, we've hung out a couple of times.  Sam decided that Steve needed something else, so on nights he wasn't working he would invite us over for pizza night and we would watch movies and just hang out.  Its how I got to know Steve, when he was sober he was this funny, sarcastic guy but even though he was smiling there seemed to be something sad about it.  About six months ago, my friend Clint said that they had an opening at his work," Bucky gave her a knowing smirk as she rolled her eyes at him, "Anyway, Clint is a D.J. at S.H.I.E.L.D. and said that his boss was looking for a new stripper so I told Sam who told Steve and that how Steve got his job.  Between Sam throwing everything out and his new boss saying that if he didn't tolerate people showing up drunk, it seemed to help."

He was watching the way she suddenly seeming to start picking imaginary lint off her clothes, "What is it Natasha?"

She sighed, "I think hes afraid that Steve's going to start drinking again and if he went to the club then there's no telling what could happen. I'm sure its not as bad as your imagining it but you need to know this before you go seeing him again."

Bucky's head was spinning, he was reason for Steve drinking, he was the reason Steve seemed so sad.  He didn't think that he had been that important in Steve's life.  Steve always seemed to thrive, he fought and clawed his way through anything whether it was sickness or bully's or school, he always seemed to push his way up.

"I never thought when we broke up that it would effect him like this.  When Sam first told me that he had fell apart I thought he had given up but I think its stronger than that, I think hes fighting something in his head.  I don't know, all I know is I can't let him fight alone."

Natasha gave him a small smile, "Didn't think you would." She let out a breath, turning to run her hand down his arm, "So, what are you going to do?"

"Don't know yet.  First, I have to find a way to talk to him without him getting pissed then I actually have to talk."  He heard her let out a small laugh.

"That would be good.  You know he's probably going to try and push you away at first but you guys are both stubborn so it should be interesting."

Bucky let out a strangled laugh, rolling his eyes. "Yup, should be a blast." He said sarcastically.

Natasha was back to picking imaginary lint again, he raised on eyebrow. "Now what?"

"Well, I was wondering what you meant when you told Sam you knew what today was."

Bucky jerked, he turned avoiding her gaze as he looked over the park.  The leaves were just starting to change and even though it was a little chilly, the park was packed with people trying to get out of the house on a Saturday.

He took a deep breath, "Today is the anniversary of his mom's death, its been about 7 years.  I figured Steve had just come from her grave."

"Oh," Natasha said almost sounding like an intake of breath, "Oh, Bucky.  I'm sorry, I didn't know."

He shook his head, "She was like my second mom and I feel so bad cause I haven't thought of her in so long.  I  just, pushed her to the back of my mind along with Steve."

Natasha leaned over wrapping her arms around his shoulder. "So you and Steve were really that close?  I thought it was a saying, you know 'We've known each other our whole lives' when you really had only known each other through high school or something."

Bucky snorted and wiped his eyes, unsure when the tears had started to form. "No, I met Steve when I was 8 years old.  I had switched schools and was the new kid.  I hadn't really made any friends yet so I would sit on the side of the playground and look at books.  One day, I saw this tiny kid getting the snot beat out of him so I stepped in, turned out he had started the fight because they were making fun of me.  I introduced myself and asked to walk him home.  He had bright blue eyes and when he smiled it made me smile, I was 8 so I didn't know what any of it meant but I just knew I needed to protect him."

Natasha was smiling at him, "That's so cute, I can just imagine little Bucky and little Steve hanging out and causing trouble."

Bucky rolled his eyes again, "I didn't cause trouble, I was the one who had to step in when Steve caused trouble.  His mom always thanked me when I would drag him home after she yelled at me." He gave a short laugh. "My dad had a temper so when I wanted to escape I would go to Steve's and his mom would just shake her head and make an extra space at the table."

"Can I ask what happened?"

Bucky's shoulder's tensed, he hadn't thought about that day in a long time. "She...uh...she worked hard, Steve's dad passed when he was a baby so she worked two jobs as best she could.  She was a nurse at the hospital plus on her days off she would tutor pre-med students.  When Steve got old enough he worked at the grocery store bagging groceries so she could quit her second job but she would take extra shifts so Steve wouldn't have to stress himself.  But the thing about her working so hard was when she got sick, everyone though it was because she worked to hard and was just tired.  She had cancer but she had let it go so long that by the time they figured it out it was too late."

He remembered the day Steve told him, how he held Steve as he cried, trying hard not cry himself. "She was so strong, she tried to fight it but it finally caught up to her." He took a watery breath. "One day, she made me and Steve take some money and go to Coney Island.  It was this amazing day with cotton candy, bumper cars, and Steve smiling brightly but he got sick on the Cyclone so we went home.  I was getting him a glass of water while he went to check on his mom.  I heard him yelling her name and went in to see what was going on, she wasn't opening her eyes and her breathing was shallow.  We called the ambulance and they took her to the hospital who told us that there was nothing they could do but make her comfortable.  Two days later she passed away."

The tears in the corner of his eyes were starting to fall but he couldn't be bothered to care. Natasha pushed a loose piece of hair behind his ear and wiped a tear away. "At least you were there for him when it mattered."

He knew she was trying to be kind but it still hit him like a punch when he thought about what it meant. "Yea, I was there and a year later he was there for me when my parents died in a car crash.  We've always been each other everything and I broke up with him like he didn't matter.  I told him I wanted to see other people....I didn't, there was no one I ever wanted to be with but Steve.  He was everything to me but I was always a coward when it came to him, I couldn't tell him I was protecting him because I thought it would hurt less this way.  I just wanted him to be safe and not worry that I might die."

"Bucky, that wasn't being a coward, you were doing what you always did and protect him."

He snorted as he wiped his eyes, "Yea, I protected him so much look at what it did to him."

"You couldn't of known what would happen."

"You know a small part of me might have known. I mean, not to this scale but I just figured he would fight it.  Hell, I expected him to fight me on the break up because he was wouldn't give up on anything but he didn't.  He just quietly walked away and I knew..I knew it wasn't how he usually let things go but I thought he would just accept it."

They were both silent for a moment, Bucky staring at the ground trying not to let the tears fall and Natasha reflecting on what he had told her. "I'm going to tell you what I think and its probably going to be harsh so don't get mad."

Bucky laughed, it came out a little rough and watery but it was still a small laugh. "Wouldn't have it any other way Nat."

She gave him a small smile, "You know when I met you I figured there was something you were pushing down but we were soldiers we all had something we were hiding.  I never knew what had haunted you then but I know now because its the same thing that's made Steve do what hes doing.  Its the fact that you weren't just some boyfriend that broke up with him and he wouldn't of just been hurt if something had happened to you.  You were both each others families, you might have been dating but as strange as it might sound, in some way you were like his brother.  You had both been through so much together, you said you broke up with him so if something happened he wouldn't be losing someone else but that's what you did when you broke up with him."

Bucky felt like his chest had a hole in it.  He had never thought of it that way which just went to show how selfish he had been.  "I...I...." he bit his lip to keep it from trembling before he continued, "I didn't see it that way.  Steve has always been so strong, he was the one who took the first step and told me he wanted to be with me, he was the first one to say I love you and he was the one who supported me when I joined the Army.  I just figured this was one more thing he would be strong about."

She looked at him like he was the stupidest person ever. "Really, James.  No matter how many times you tell me that I'm just going to keep saying the same thing.  You can't blame yourself, well, you can but you can also go make it better. " She put her finger under his chin making him meet her eyes, "You are a good guy. You just made a shitty mistake but you can try to make it better and that's all you can do.  Try."

He smiled at her, then pulled her in for a short hug before she pushed him away. "Try, huh?  How'd you come up with that?" He watched as the barest hint of a blush appeared on her checks.  "Oh my God.  Tell me you didn't hear it on some t.v. after school special." He laughed.

Her expression changed to what he called deadly assassin, "No, I'll have you know that I'm more than a pretty face asshat."

He couldn't take it anymore and cracked up, throwing his head back and laughing loud making people turn their way.  Natasha was still looking at him like she wanted to kill him then her eyes softened.

"So, what are you going to do?"

He caught his breath before turning to her, "Dunno, but maybe talking to him is a start.  How do you feel about seeing half-naked men dance on stage?"

She swatted his arm but gave him a smile that made him almost shudder in fear. "I'm in.  One more question."

"Jeez, Nat, what is this?  Its like your interrogating me."

She gave him her deadly assassin smile again, "Now, why would I do that?" She asked batting her eyes, making him laugh again. "Seriously, though."

"Yea, Ok, one more question."

She seemed to think a minute, "Were you serious when you said Steve made the first move?"

He turned back to watching people play around the parking taking a minute before answering. "Yea, it was two days after his 16th birthday.  I had wanted to tell him for a while but I was so scared that he would hate me that I kept it quiet.  He didn't even tell me actually, just called me an idiot and kissed me.  It wasn't the greatest kiss but to me I wouldn't of traded it for nothing.  After that it just felt natural."

He wasn't looking at her but he could feel Natasha's eyes on him.  He watched as couples walked by hand in hand, as families played and had picnics but he felt apart from everything. 

 

_He was sitting on Steve's fire escape smoking a cigarette waiting for Steve to get off work._   _Steve had just turned 16 two days ago and Bucky had finally got him a present even though Steve insisted that Bucky baking him cookies was present enough but Bucky had felt the need to get him something else.  So, here he sat waiting on Steve with a set of brand new drawing pencils and a nice sketchbook wrapped in blue and red paper sitting on his lap._

_He was so lost in his thoughts he didn't here Steve come in until he felt cold, thin fingers on his neck.  He flinched, turning to see Steve smiling at him and wow, if that smile didn't do something to him.  His stomach clenched and his breath caught in his throat, as he smiled back._

_"Whatcha doin out here, jerk?"  And there was that snark he loved.  
_

_He was so scared that his feelings were written all over his face.  He had loved Steve since he knew what it meant to love, since the day he realized he looked at Steve like the couples in movies looked at each other.  He wasn't about to tell him though because losing Steve as friend would probably kill him more then hiding this._

_He put his cigarette out on his boot before pushing off, standing to stretch._

_"Just out here wait for some punk to get off work, so I can give him his birthday present." Bucky told him as he climbed in the window._

_"Buck, come on, I told you I didn't need anything." Steve said, but the spark in his eyes betrayed his words._

_"Oh, Ok, then I'll just take this back to the store."  Bucky told him, holding the package just out of Steve's reach._

_"Fine," Huffed Steve, "Can I please have my present, O Great One." He asked sarcastically._

_Bucky laughed, "Nah, think I'll keep for myself."_

_"Buck, come on." Steve whined._

_Bucky acted like he had to think about it then noticed something in Steve's eyes, that mischievous glint he got before Bucky ended up in trouble for something. "Uhhh..Stevie whatcha thinking?"_

_Steve smiled, coming closer before raising his fingers and wiggling them.  "Don't know whatcha talking about Buck." He said two seconds before his fingers found Bucky's ribs causing him to almost drop the present._

_"Steve. Stop. No. This isn't fair." He said between bouts of laughter._

_Steve knew his one weak spot was his ribs being tickled especially since Steve had these long, nimble fingers that seemed to find every ticklish spot Bucky had._

_"Ok! Ok! I'll give you your damn present." He yelled, catching his breathing when Steve stopped._

_Steve gave him another big bright smile, his blue eyes bright and framed by his long dark lashes that Bucky just wanted to kiss.  His stomach gave another clench as he handed the present over to Steve._

_"It ain't much." He said suddenly nervous.  
_

_He watched Steve tear into the paper like a little kid, so excited that he was almost bouncing on his toes.  "Oh" He heard Steve exclaim almost silently._

_"Its just that, you haven't had any new pencils in a while and your sketch book seemed to be running out of paper..."He rambled._

_Steve turned to him, his eyes looking a little wet as he stared up at Bucky.  Steve came closer never letting his eyes leave Bucky's, he was so close Bucky could see ever freckle and feel Steve's breath on his neck._

_"Is it..is it ok Stevie?" Bucky asked not sure what was going on.  His stomach was in knots by now and he couldn't catch his breath.  
_

_They had always been close, whether it was Bucky sleeping in Steve's bed when it was cold or when his asthma was bad or building blanket forts and pushing in close together to watch a movie.  There had been times like this when they were close and Bucky wanted to nothing more than to pull Steve in and kiss him but he always laughed and gently pushed Steve, playing as a joke._

_But this...this was different.  This was Steve deliberately standing there,close, looking at Bucky like he was trying to figure something out.  Steve put one hand out, placing it on Bucky's chest right above his heart.  His breath caught and he knew Steve felt his heart thud._

_He watched as Steve's smile seemed to get brighter before looking up at him, "God, your an idiot." He said._

_Before Bucky could ask Steve what he meant, Steve stood on his tiptoes pressing his lips against Bucky's._

_His brain seemed to short wire.  This was Steve, Steve was kissing him and he.....he was frozen.  Not moving an inch, he knew he should push back and  push his lips against Steve's but he couldn't move._

_Steve seemed to sense that he was the only one involved.  He broke the kiss and jumped back, his eyes wide with fear._

_"Bucky, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.  I thought....doesn't matter what I thought. I'm so sorry."  His words were coming out in a rush and his eyes were shining with unshed tears._

_Bucky seemed to snap out of it, seeing Steve's fear.  He walked forward, grabbing Steve before he could run.  He brought his hand up to cup Steve's face running his fingers under Steve's eyes. "Oh, Steve.  Don't be sorry.  I've wanted that for so long but never had the guts.  I should of known you would be the braver one." Steve's face showed shock and a little bit of hope, "I'm sorry but I didn't think you wanted me so I guess I was a little shocked.  Can we try again?"_

_Steve nodded, as Bucky leaned in.  Steve's lips were a little chapped and his hands came up to grab Bucky's shirt.  The kiss was little awkward, Steve's teeth kept hitting his and it was a little too wet but it was Steve.  He was finally kissing Steve._

_He pulled back, swiping his thumb over Steve's bottom lip.  Steve's face was flushed and his lips were red and he was smiling softly.  Bucky leaned his forehead against Steve listening to his breathing, "Steve, do you know how long I have waited for that?"_

_He heard Steve laugh, "Yea probably bout as long as I have.  Were idiots aren't we?"_

_Bucky laughed, "Hey, don't call my boyfriend an idiot."_

_He felt Steve flinch. He felt his heart fall, maybe Steve hadn't meant it that way.  What if it was just to thank Bucky for his birthday present.  He looked down to see Steve giving him a small smile._

_"Boyfriend, huh?"_

_Bucky smiled back, his hands wrapping around Steve's small frame, "If you want."_

_He shook his head up and down, "Yea, Buck, I want."_

_They both smiled before Bucky ducked back down for another kiss. This time he led, pushing his lips against Steve's then slowly nipping at his bottom lip. He pulled back when he felt Steve's breathing change.  
_

_"You ok?"_

_"Yea, its not an asthma attack. I...I..."He blushed, his face getting redder and the tips of his ears getting pink. "I just really like that."_

_Bucky let out a little laugh, "Well, good.  Guess I'm going to have to keep doing it then, ya know, just to make sure your breathing can take it."_

_Steve rolled his eyes before swatting his arm, "Why did I think you would stop being a jerk?"_

_"Probably the same reason I know you'll always be a punk." He replied._

_"Yea, but I'm your punk." Steve said shyly._

_"Yea, yea, you are." Bucky told him before pulling him in for another kiss._

 

Bucky was pulled out of the memory when a frisbee hit him.  He heard Natasha bust out laughing as he look at the offending object like it was a deadly object.

"Sorry." The young boy told him before grabbing the frisbee and running away.

He turned to Natasha who was still cackiling, "You know that wasn't funny." He told her making her laugh harder.

It took her a minute before she finally caught her breath, "Yes it was.  You were staring out in space and then you were looking at the frisbee like it had actually spoke to you."

He grumbled trying to glare at her, "Why am I friends with you?"

"Because," She said, straightening up,"I am awesome and because, I'm going to go with you to a strip club so you can talk and drool over Steve."

"I don't drool." He told her seriously.

"Oh, please.  There was a puddle under your chair from all your drool last time."

He glared at her again, "I. Don't. Drool."  He sighed, "I'm still not sure what to say to him."

"What do you want to say?"

He shrugged his shoulders, "I don't know.  Maybe, that I'm sorry.  Its so lame but I am sorry, always was.  I went back the next day hoping he was still there but when he was gone I just figured that it was his way of saying that it was over.  I guess I want to tell him that I want to try and be his friend again." He slumped back against the bench.  "This is hard."

Natasha snorted, "No, its not.  Your just making it that way."  She kicked his ankle, "You know he's going to be angry, so your going in with that knowledge.  Now if you can get him to listen to you then you tell him everything you told me and he either wants to be friends or not but at least you tried."

He ran his hands through his hair before turning to her, "What am I going to wear?"

She laughed before standing, "Now, that I can help with."

 

 

 

Bucky was staring at the club with its flashing lights and music he could feel in his feet.  He had been standing in the same spot for a couple of minutes trying to talking himself into moving.  Nat appeared on his right wearing tight black pants, spiked boots, a deep green shirt and her hair pulled back.

"So are you going to go in there or stay out here all night?"  She asked turning to him.

He looked down at himself.  Nat had picked out his clothes: tight grey jeans, a dark blue v-neck that she had said made his eyes stand out and his black boots.  He had thrown on his black leather jacket before he left and had left his hair messy.  Nat had wolfed whistled at him when he had come out of the bedroom but standing here now he couldn't help but feel self-conscience.

"Come on, you look great. I've seen several guys check you out, I'm pretty sure they think your one of the acts." She told him.

He rolled his eyes but straightened his shoulders and marched up to the club like he was going into battle.  The inside was louder and there were guys dressed and half dressed moving about.  He didn't see any tall, blondes but he wasn't sure what time Steve went on.

He felt Nat tap his shoulder before pointing to the D.J. booth.  The guy was a about Bucky's height with dirty blonde hair in a mess, a purple shirt and band-aids on his face and arms.  "That's Clint.  I'll go ask him if he knows where Steve is."  Nat told him before disappearing into the crowd.

Bucky felt overwhelmed, there was too many people and the flashing lights weren't help.  He made his was towards the bar deciding that he needed a drink to get through this.  He was almost there when he saw a familiar shape off to left.  He turned in time to see Steve disappear into a room with a guy with a goatee.

His stomach felt like lead.  What if Steve was in there hooking up with some guy?  Did he go over there now and pound on the door demanding to see Steve or just let it happen.

He was so lost in his thoughts he almost didn't feel Nat's hand on his shoulder, a second before she leaned in. "I know you saw him go in that room." He turned to her but she shrugged, "Me and Clint saw him.  Clint said the guy was his boss." Bucky's shoulders relaxed an inch. "Clint said that he was suppose to go on in about 10 minutes but the boss changed it so he'll probably have time if you want to talk to him."

Bucky nodded, watching the door as Nat order them drinks.  It seemed like forever but it was probably only 5 minutes before the goatee guy came out running his hands through his hair.  He waited for Steve to come out but he never did.  'Now or Never' he thought as he got up.  He turned to Natasha pointing at the door and getting a thumbs up in return.

He took a deep breath feeling more nervous the closer he got.  Before he could knock on the door, it opened and Steve came out running right into him.  He fell but Steve caught him grabbing his prosthetic hand and straightening him up.

"Bucky?" He asked and Bucky couldn't help but feel his stomach clench at his voice.

He pushed his hair back out of his eyes, glancing up to meet Steve's "Hey, I was wondering if we could talk."

 


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve and Bucky talk (I mean yell). It also goes back and forth between Bucky and Steve's POV so let me know if it gets confusing. Oh and no flashbacks this time. Its a pretty long chapter and I hope its good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe you guys are actually reading this and liking it. I'm so freaking excited. Again all mistakes are on me, myself and I.

Steve stood there rooted to the floor.

Bucky was standing in front of him looking amazing and wanting to talk. He didn't know what to say, this was something he had wanted for so long. Now, that Bucky was here he couldn't speak or move. Bucky was looking at him waiting for him to say something but it wouldn't come.

He just nodded, stepping to the side to let him into the room that he and Tony were just in. Bucky looked around then turned to Steve. He was running his hand through his hair, the other one hiding behind his back as he started to ramble.

"Steve, I...I know I'm probably the last person you want to see. Actually, I'm not sure about that since you ask to talk to me the other night but then you got mad when you saw us at that cafe," He paused to catch his breath. Steve let himself give a small smile. Bucky had always rambled when he was nervous, it was like he couldn't keep the words in. Steve caught himself before Bucky saw.

"I'm sorry, Ok. Oh God, that sounded really lame didn't it. Of course you know I'm sorry." His grey blue eyes looked huge as he looked up at Steve, "You do know I'm sorry right? I mean I know it doesn't erase anything but I'm really sorry, Steve."

Steve stood there starting at him. He never expected those words out of Bucky's mouth. He wanted to feel happy that Bucky was saying this but he realized that he had never really thought Bucky would be sorry. He expected anger or for Bucky to ask for an apology but he never expected one himself.

"What?" He croaked, words coming out strained.

Bucky's expression changed to one of surprise, "I'm sorry." He stated plain and simple.

Steve ran his hands through his hair as he tried to catch his thoughts.  Did it matter that Bucky was sorry?  Yea, it did a little but he wasn't sure what he was saying sorry for.  He looked back at Bucky who was still staring at him.

His voice shook a little when he finally spoke, "Tell me what your sorry for Bucky because I'm not sure here.  Are you sorry for breaking up with me?  Sorry that you cut a hole out of my life or are you sorry because you feel guilty?"  He hadn't meant for it to come out as harsh as it did but he couldn't control it.

Bucky's face paled, his hand clenching avoiding Steve's eyes, "Do you think that little of me Steve, that you think I would only say sorry because I feel guilty?  I loved you, alright.  I wanted nothing more than be with your forever." He tone was clipped and controlled but his words made Steve's heart clench. "I'm sorry because I left.  I left because I thought I was protecting you.  I was going away and I couldn't put you through that, Ok.  I couldn't make you go through losing someone else."  His voice getting louder as he came closer to Steve.

Bucky was standing so close that Steve could reach out and touch him, almost doing that before he caught himself and clenched his fist.  He wasn't sure what to think about what Bucky had just said.  He was angry that Bucky had decided to protect him but he there was a part of him that way happy when Bucky said he loved him.

The anger won out; having had it bottled up so long it came roaring out. "You were protecting me?  How by wanting to date someone else?  Do you think any of these things protected me?  I loved you so much, Bucky.  You were my everything, the only person in the world that I wanted.  You made me feel like something special and then you left and I felt like I was nothing." He spat out not moving.  "So tell me again how that protected me."

"I was protecting you by not letting you go through the pain of having to worry about where I was.  Damn it Steve, Your ma lost your dad when he was in the army and I wouldn't put you through that.  So, I lied."

Steve's heart was pounding, his anger finally breaking, "You lied?! This whole time I thought you had left me for someone else and you had lied to me.  You think that was protecting me from anything?  You wanting someone else hurt me more than anything you could of done.  It was proof that I never belonged with you and all this time it was a lie.  How was that protecting me?"

Bucky was pacing back and forth his hand running through his hair.  "I couldn't tell you the truth...ok..I couldn't.  I was leaving for somewhere I didn't even know the name of and I couldn't write or talk and I wanted you to be happy.  I wanted you to find someone else that's why I told you.  I didn't want to see other people and I didn't want you to either but I knew I wanted you to be happy.  And if that meant you being with someone who could give you the attention I couldn't then I would do anything just for you to be happy.

Steve snorted.  "Yea, I was so happy." He said sarcastically "You were everything I wanted and everything I couldn't be.  You didn't give me a choice.  You chose for me and all I could think about was that you already had someone else.  That wasn't protecting me that was you taking the easy way out."

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Bucky felt like he had been punched in the chest.  He knew Steve was mad but he thought it was just the break up and hearing how Steve really felt was like someone stealing all the oxygen out of his body.

"Steve...I..."

Steve was breathing hard, his nostrils flaring and chest heaving, "You what?  Your sorry.  Yea, you said that.  The thing is if it had just been you ending the relationship I would of been fine but you cut me out of your life." Bucky flinched at his words, "I never told anyone but I tried calling you.  Not even a week later I tried your phone but there was no answer and all letters I sent you were returned.  I tried.  I missed you so much not as my boyfriend but as the guy I knew growing up.  I needed my friend and you weren't there. Did you even think of me this whole time?" Steve said, the last words coming out quietly.

Bucky was trying his hardest not to just reach across to grab Steve and wrap him in his arms.  He knew he couldn't but it didn't mean he didn't want to.  Steve's hands were clenched so tightly that his knuckles were white and he was staring at Bucky with a look he couldn't place.

"You think I wanted to cut you out, Steve?  I went back the next day but you weren't there.  I thought you didn't want me and that's why you left.  I couldn't talk or write because I was doing special training, which was another reason I thought you were better without me because I wouldn't be able to call and write for a while. You needed someone who could be with you."

Steve stepped a little closer, making Bucky have to look up to see him.  It felt weird to have to look up to see Steve, he was so used to having Steve shorter than him.  It hit him that  he wouldn't be able to wrap his arms around Steve like before the way he had for so long.

Steve took a breath.  Bucky could tell he was trying to calm himself, "I asked if you thought about me, Bucky.  Did you?  or are you here now because Sam and Nat suggested it."

Bucky jerked back.  "What the hell, Steve?  Do you think I would only come here because of that."  Steve didn't move, just stood there watching Bucky. "Of course I though about you.  At first."  This time Steve jerked back and his face paled. "I thought about you all the time but then it started to effect my job.  I was a soldier,Steve, if I messed up someone died.  I couldn't let that happen, so I pushed it to the back of my mind.  Every time a thought of you came to me I would just push it down and bury it under something.  It took me a while but I was finally able to do my job without thinking of you.  I never dated anyone else.  I might have not thought about you but you were still there."

Bucky was waiting for Steve to yell some more but he just stood there.  His eyes were on the floor and his chest was heaving but he wasn't saying anything.  When he finally raised his head, Bucky's breath caught in his throat.  He recognized that fire in Steve's eyes, it was the same as when they were kids and he was about to charge into a fight.  It made him smile for half a second before he realized that it was turned on him.

"You pushed it to the back of your mind?  I have tried so hard to push you away.  I've tried everything to make it so that you don't haunt me anymore but I couldn't.  I was your family and you were mine.  How do you push that away?  Was it because you didn't need me as your family anymore?  You had people who were bigger and stronger now.  People who could stand up with you and fight, while I was back home bagging groceries and drawing.  You didn't need me anymore cause you finally had people who weren't weak." 

Bucky's anger flared at this.  The words stung him more than anything ever had. "You think I didn't need you?  You didn't even fight me when I told.  You left!  I went back the next day and you were gone.  So you say I didn't need you but where the hell were you?"

Bucky knew he shouldn't of said it but it just came out.  He was tired of people telling him that he didn't care about Steve.  He watched as Steve's shoulders tensed before walking forward.  He kept coming making Bucky back up until his back hit the wall.  He could feel the heat from Steve's body as he boxed Bucky in.

"Where the hell was I?  I was on a bus back to Brooklyn because you telling me we should see other people just confirmed everything that I ever knew.  You want to know why I didn't fight?  It was because you were the guy everyone wanted to be with.  You were smart, funny, and good looking and I was an 18 year old who looked 12.  I knew....I knew it was only a matter of time before you decided you wanted someone better.  You telling me you wanted other people was everything I ever knew and feared."  Steve told him.  His voice was calm but Bucky could see the slight tremors racking through him.

"Steve...." Bucky reached out to put his hand on Steve's shoulder but he jerked away.

"Don't."

"Steve, I'm sorry.  I know you don't believe me and I know I don't deserve it but really I am.  I know you think that I didn't want you but I did and me not thinking about you wasn't me not loving you.  It was because I loved you so much that I couldn't think straight.  I needed to forget you because if I didn't then I would of died." Bucky said softly.

He meant every word.  Steve was something he had to forget, not only did his life depend on it but others did to.  He walked forward, as Steve turned walking to the opposite wall leaning on it for support. He walked up behind him gently laying his hand on Steve's shoulder.  He could feel him flinch but he didn't move.

"You know, I wondered if you had."  Steve told him quietly, "I would be watching t.v. and wonder if you were still alive.  Do you know what that's like?  To sit there and wonder if someone you cared about so deeply might be dead and you wouldn't even know it."  He jerked away from Bucky's hand and turned to glare at him. "You say you forgot me to survive.  Then why are you here now?  I know why I wanted to see you.  Because for 6 years I never stopped thinking of you, never stopped wanting to be with you.  So tell me Bucky why are you here?"

Bucky froze, he hadn't expected that question.  He knew he should of, Steve had always been blunt around him.  He tried to swallow around the lump in his throat before speaking.

"Because Steve, I needed to know."  It came out weakly, even to his ears it didn't sound right.

Steve's eyes narrowed, "Bullshit Bucky.  You didn't come here cause you needed to know anything.  Me sitting there wanting to talk to you told you everything, didn't it?  There's something else and I want you to be honest." Steve told him with his voice pitched low it almost sounded like a growl.

Bucky closed his eyes and ran his hands through his hair before taking a breath, "I came for you, Steve.  All this time and all it took was me seeing your eyes and everything came back.  I know I wasn't there for you through any of this and I know your angry but I'm here now.  I want to know you and to be your friend, again.  I know it doesn't seem like it but I do care about you Steve."

Bucky hoped that he would listen because he was telling the truth.  He had tried desperately the first year to forget Steve and eventually, he had succeeded maybe not in forgetting him but burying his memories in the back of his mind. But having Steve here now; all those memories were returning and all those feeling he had suppressed were coming back twice as strong.

Steve stared at him like he was trying to figure out if it was the truth. "I don't know if its that easy, Bucky." He said releasing a breath, "I want so much to just forget everything that's happened and just go back to the way it was but I can't.  I thought if I saw you and talked to you that I could forgive you but I don't know if I can."  Bucky's heart felt like it was being ripped from his chest with every word.  "I want to so badly.  This whole time I imagined that when I saw you again that you would have at least spared a thought about me over the years.  I guess it was just wishful thinking, huh?"

Bucky couldn't breath, his heart felt like it was in two pieces.  "I....." He took a deep breath to settle himself, "I can't lie to you and tell you that it was easy.  I can't stand here and tell you to forgive me because its killing me that you can't.  Yes, I buried your memory in my mind and yes, I tried not to think of you."  Steve's hands that had slowly been losing tightened again, "But I also lied to myself and I lied to everyone as well.  I would tell people that I was from anywhere else but Brooklyn.  Hell, I couldn't even say New York.  I told people I was an orphan from anywhere else but there because New York and Brooklyn were home and home meant you.  I might of buried you in my mind but I buried myself too.  I'm someone new and so are you, so maybe it was a good thing we met each other again so we can get to know these new people."

__________________________________________________________________________________________

Steve wanted to believe Bucky so badly.  He wanted nothing more than to tell Bucky it was alright, that they would work through this but he couldn't.  It hurt him so much that Bucky hadn't thought about him and he was angry that Bucky was able to do what he wasn't.  All he had ever wanted was to feel whole and to not think about Bucky but there was always something there to remind him.  It was why he had moved; he wanted a change and Brooklyn was too familiar but he couldn't escape Bucky.

Steve watched Bucky, trying to figure out what he should do.  Bucky was staring off to side avoiding eye contact.  "You know, I tried that to." Steve told him. "I moved to D.C.,, got into college, and thought I was going to be ok but I wasn't.  Everytime I did something that I was proud of my first thought was to call you."  Bucky finally looked at him. "Even though I knew the number was disconnected, I would call it and I would hope that maybe this time would be different.  When I moved, when I finally got into school all I could think about was telling you.  I couldn't think without thinking of you and after 6 years, I still think of maybe not every day but I still think of you."

He was watching Bucky hoping for any sign that it was getting through but he couldn't read him.  Bucky had always had a good poker face and right he wasn't showing anything.  The only sign that he was paying attention was his eyes flicking back and forth like he was running the words around in his head.

"I wanted nothing more for you than for you to go to college and succeed.  You were the best artist I knew and that's what I wanted for you."  He took a step towards Steve, "You were the hardest thing in the world to get through.  I had the war and people to protect to help me and you were here by yourself and for that I can never forgive myself.  I can never take back what I did to you and I get that....but I want to try and be your friend again."

Steve was staring at Bucky. His words sounded so truthful and they helped a little but there was so much anger and hurt that he wasn't sure words alone were going to help.  He wanted so much to say yes, to tell Bucky that he wanted the same thing but he was scared.  He was scared that Bucky would leave again leaving him hurting worse then he was. 

"As much as I want this....I don't think its going to be that easy.  Bucky, I want nothing more than to be your friend but I don't know if I can trust you anymore.  You were suppose to be there for me and you weren't.  How can I trust you?"

He waited for Bucky to respond.  He watched as the dark haired man started to chew on his bottom lip seemingly lost in thought.

It took a few minutes before Bucky said anything, "I know I don't deserve your trust and I know that I can't automatically fix things between us." He paused, looking up at Steve, "But I want to try and earn your trust Steve.  I wanna be there for you, however you want me to be.  I understand that your still angry and 45 minutes of talking isn't going to fix that.  I just want you to know that if you need to be angry I'll be here to take it.  I'm not leaving Steve, and I'll be here as long as it take to make you understand that."

Steve was torn between telling Bucky that he wanted to build a new friendship with him and yelling that he had no right to understand anything Steve had been through.  His mind couldn't settle on one thought. 

"You said that you pushed me to the back of your mind, so why is this so important to you."  Steve asked.

Bucky's eyes widened, like he didn't expect the question.  "Because I didn't realize how much I missed you.  I know it sounds like I forgotten all about you but it was never forgotten just buried but seeing you brought it all back.  When I saw you sitting there it was like a punch in the face and I ran because I was so scared of how much you probably hated me.  I know I can never fix the past but give me a chance to prove to you that I want this.  Tell me what to do Steve?"

Steve's brain was on overload.  It was hard hearing how Bucky had been able to bury their memories but knowing that he didn't actually forget helped a little bit.  He felt his mind going in a thousand directions at once.  He knew he had to walk away and get his mind straight or he would be swiping a bottle from the bar before he left.  A drink would help but he didn't want to let Sam down after everything he had done.

"I can't do this right now, Bucky.  It hurts not only my head but my heart to try and think about all this, I need time."  He said stepping towards the door.

"I'm not running again, Steve.  So take your time and let me know when your ready because I'll be here." 

Steve nodded but didn't say anything else.  He opened the door and the sound of the club assaulted his ears, he had been so wrapped up that he had forgotten about work.  Now that he thought about it, it was almost time for him to go on.  He hoped he had time to clear his mind enough to get through his dance, it was the first time in a long time that he wished he was anywhere but here. 

He could feel Bucky behind him waiting for him to move but it was like he couldn't get his legs to work. He heard Bucky clear his throat causing him to jump and take a step forward.  Before he could take another step Bucky grabbed his arm but quickly removed his hand.  Steve stared at his arm for an extra second.  Even though it had lasted a second he could still feel the heat from Bucky's hand.

He looked up but Bucky was looking away as he spoke just loud to be heard over the club.  "I just wanted you to know one more thing."

"What?" Steve asked, his stomach clenching when Bucky looked at him.

"I told you I wasn't running and I mean to keep that promise, but" Bucky took a deep breath, "There's no way I can stay for your show tonight."

Steve's let out a small laugh.  He meant to tell Bucky that it was ok but instead he smiled and said, "That's ok, Bucky, seemed liked you enjoyed it enough last time."  Bucky's jaw fell open, "Maybe, next time you can catch it.  So, I guess I'll call you."

With that he turned and walked away into the crowd.  He knew he shouldn't of said it but it still made him feel a little happy to see Bucky's face like that.  He would eventually get Bucky's phone number from Sam or Nat once he had time to think but for now the promise of a call would be good enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please forgive me if this sucked. I knew how I wanted to end it but this is what came out.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not sure how good this is for some reason it took me a while. All mistakes are mine and thank you again for reading and liking this it means a lot. You guys are awesome.

It had been two weeks.

Two weeks since Steve had told Bucky he would call him.  Bucky was trying hard to not let it get to him. He knew that Steve was still mad and he needed time but knowing and having patience isn't the same thing. 

Bucky had heard from Natasha that yes, Steve had his number and no, she would not give Bucky his number.  So he was trying to be good and not call Sam and ask how Steve was, even though they had hung out one more time he still didn't feel comfortable asking.

He had just settled on his couch in sweats and a baggy t-shirt, reaching for the remote when he heard a key in the door.  He knew he would regret giving Nat a key as she breezed in carrying several bags. 

"You know you could help me." She told him depositing the bags on the other end of the couch.

"With what?  What is all this Nat?"  He asked, as he picked up one the bag.

Most of them were filled with clothes, a few with groceries, and one from a game store.  He cocked an eyebrow and turned to ask her why she had bought all this but she was already back out the door.  He sighed, grabbing one of the grocery bags deciding to put them up.

He was in the kitchen putting up eggs when he heard Nat come back in talking with someone.  He leaned out of the kitchen and saw Clint and Sam standing in his living room.

"Uh..Nat, mind giving me a hand in here."  He called.

She stepped in the kitchen, "I know your going to ask me what I'm doing here." He raised an eyebrow, "I'm here because I'm tired of your moping."

"I'm not moping."

She raised her own eyebrow in return, crossing her arms. "You are.  And I'm getting tired of it.  You went in there expecting Steve to just fall into your arms and now that he didn't your moping and I'm tired of it.  So, tonight you are hosting a party."

"A what?" He said, almost dropping the bag of groceries he had just picked up.

"A party." She sighed but started to help Bucky put stuff up.  "Look its no big deal.  Just me, Sam, Clint, and a few other people.  I bought stuff for you to make lasagna and I brought some games.  Its no big deal."

"Why?  Why do you think I need a party?" 

She stopped and looked at him like he was stupid.  He turned and glared at her.  "You don't need a party, James, but its better than you going out.  Besides, I invited Steve."

That time Bucky did drop the bag in his hand.  "Wait. What?  Does that mean he's coming?  Doesn't he have work?"

"James, take a breath O.k."  Nat told him.

He realized his breath was coming in gasp so he leaned against the cabinet, closing his eyes and breathing deeply.  He counted to 10 then back down.  O.K. he could do this.  He felt Natasha shift beside him before she spoke.

"Its not a big deal.  Steve said he would try to come.  Apparently, he usually works but his boss told him that his dancing has been off for some reason so he gave him the night off."  She started rubbing circles on his back. "Relax.  Here's what were going to do.  Clint and Sam are going to run and get the drinks while you get in the shower.  I was out shopping today and saw a few things for you try and were going to do all this while the lasagna cooks.  O.k."

Yea. Yea, he could do this.  It was a plan of attack and it made him feel a little relaxed to know what to do now.

"Ok.  I guess we need to make food then."  He told her as he opened his eyes.

"No, your making the food unless you want it burnt.  I'm going to go back in the living to talk to Clint and Sam.  You ok in here?"

He gave her a nod as he reached for a pot to run water in.

"Good.  I'll be in the other room."

He nodded again but she was already gone.  He liked cooking it gave him a chance to settle his thoughts.  He was always able to lose himself in the motions of chopping herbs and mixing ingredients. It was a little more difficult now with one good arm but he had plenty of time to get used to it.  When had first gotten back six months ago after almost a year living near the hospital where he had to do rehab for it it was hard.  But he had slowly gotten better at handling it.

He started the noodles and went through the bags finding everything else he tried to think about anything else but Steve.  It was strange, after all this time he was back to obsessing over whether he was good enough for Steve Rogers.  Ok, he thought, I just need to think of something else.

He tried to think of something but he kept coming back to Steve.  He had fought so long to try and get over Steve.  Only after almost getting shot because he was staring at a lake thinking about how much Steve would like to draw it, did he realize that it was either push Steve away or get killed.  Work and missions had helped, so did Natasha.  They had never been anything but friends but she had been the first friend he had had over there.

He remembered meeting her, sitting in some dingy bar with some other soldiers.  She had walked up and called him сломанная кукла which apparently meant broken doll in Russian and even though Bucky wouldn't talk to her she just kept on talking mixing Russian and English.  He hadn't wanted to find her interesting but he did, she was tough and took no ones bullshit and eventually they became good friends.

When her time came up she didn't reenlist but got a job with some kinda of security consulting firm in D.C. and left but two months later he followed after getting his arm blown off by an IED.  He had been in the hospital several months and then had a small place near the hospital only leaving for rehab and doctors visits.  Natasha was the one who got him set up the V.A. and found him a better place.

He realized he had been putting together the food by muscle memory when he looked down and everything was almost done.  He gave a small laugh and grabbed a baking dish when he heard the door shut, a second later Natasha walked back in.

"Clint and Sam left to run to the store.  How's it going in here?"

"Pretty good.  Just have to layer this together and pop it in the oven."  He told her as he drained the noodles.

"Good, we have plenty of time."

He made a non-committal noise in the back of his throat, trying to concentrate on the job at hand. 

"I know your not focusing completely on that because you could probably make it in your sleep.  So what's going on?"  She asked, leaning on the counter next to him.

He sighed, he really hated how sometimes she seemed to look right through him even though it was one of things he liked about her as well.  She never backed down.

"I know I probably sound whiny but what if he doesn't show up?  I mean he hasn't called in two weeks maybe I should take it as a sign that I fucked this up to bad."

Natasha tsked at him, "Are you giving up?" He shook his head "Good because I happen to know that just because he didn't call you doesn't mean he isn't thinking it."   He looked up from the lasagna and she rolled her eyes. "Oh, please.  Me and Sam have gotten together several times just to talk about how clueless you guys are.  You guys have a long road ahead of you so your going to have to learn patience, James."

He smiled and finished layering the lasagna, wiping his hands on a dish towel. "Well, thanks for the advice.  Soooo.....Clint huh?" He said trying to change the subject.

She glared at him causing him to laugh.  He realized it felt good to laugh at teasing her, the last couple of weeks he had been caught up in his head to fully relax.  He slid the dish in the oven then wiped his hands on a dish towel.

He looked at her with wide eyes as something else his him, "Wait, did you say you went shopping for me?"

Natasha gave him a smile that was mostly teeth before turning on her heels and heading toward the living room.  Bucky hung his head and stared at his feet for a few minutes before following her.

"Really, Nat, what's wrong with my clothes?"  He asked as he came in the room as she was digging through the bags.

"I'm sorry but you need to wear something besides the same skinny jeans and long sleeve shirt."  She told him handing him some clothes.

He held out the clothes in his hand, dark wash jeans, a blue button up and a black jacket, before laying them on the couch.  "Nat, I don't need new clothes.  I especially do not need a new jacket.  I thought you said this was only suppose to be a few people, then why do I need to dress up?"

She sighed and grabbed the clothes, "You don't need to dress up but I was thinking it might be nice.  You know, just in case Steve does show up."  She said thrusting the clothes back at him.

He rolled his eyes but accepted the clothes from her, "Fine.  I'd say make yourself at home while I take a shower but it would be redundant.  Just turn the oven off if the timer goes off before I'm back."

She patted his shoulder as he turned to walk away.  He felt nervous, all the sudden, about the party and he wasn't sure if it was because Steve might show up or because he might not.  A shower probably was a good idea Bucky thought.

 

_________________________________________________________

 

Steve was standing in front of his closet with his hands on hips still in his sweats and t-shirt from his workout earlier.  His bed looked like a clothing store exploded on it and he wasn't any closer to figuring out what to wear.

He groaned and ran his hands through his hair and looked back at his bed.  He didn't know why he was obsessing over this, he was the one who had chosen not to talk to Bucky for two weeks but every time he had looked at his phone to call he didn't know what to say.  Steve wanted to talk to Bucky but he wasn't sure he could without yelling and it had effected him.

The first couple of days after Bucky and him had talked at the club had been fine but the more days passed the more it had started to mess with Steve.   He knew it was his decision and he wanted to call as soon he got Bucky's number from Natasha but he found he couldn't.  He knew the reason they both ended up yelling at each other was because they both still cared and maybe even loved each other so their words hurt more and they yelled because it was easier then forgiving each other right now.  But he just couldn't call yet and then before he knew it, it had been two weeks.

He hadn't realized the first week it was effecting him until one of the other dancers pointed out that he was getting mad at people for no reason.  He had apologized and tried to be better but then he started slipping into old habits of flirting with anyone and everyone, especially Tony.  After what had happened, he had tried to keep his distance but the more the week progressed the more he started to flirt with him boldly. 

He thought his dancing was fine until the other night after closing when he was talking to Tony.  He was leaning on the bar flirting with Tony, telling him that if wore his jeans any tighter that people were going to think he was one of the dancers.  Tony had rolled his eyes and then told him flat out that his dancing wasn't up to what it used to be and that he was giving him time off to get his head back together.  Steve had tried to fight it at first but finally agreed.

He had been off work for two days and had another 3 to go.  Then Sam called saying that Bucky was having a party and he was invited.  He didn't want to go but Sam talked him into telling him it was the perfect opportunity to figure out what he wanted to do and plus it got Steve out of his hair.

Now, he was stuck trying to find clothes and nervous like it was first date.  He pushed some clothes aside to sit on the edge of the bed as he unlocked his phone.

 

**sam not so sure about this. - SR**

 

**Dude your gonna be fine - sw**

 

**yea but what do i wear - SR**

 

**REALLY!!  your askin me this -sw  
**

 

**SAM PLEASE HELP!! - SR**

 

**no ive done my job  whatever you wear will be great - sw**

 

Steve threw his phone on the bed and cradled his head in hands.  He always hated trying to figure out what to wear when it came to this stuff.  He really didn't have to worry about it for work and when he went to a bar he figured that people were probably to drunk to care.  But this....this was different.  Not only was it at Bucky's apartment but there were going to be others there and he wanted to look good.

He dug through a pile of clothes he was sure he had already been through, when he found a pair of jeans that still had the tag on them.  They were a shade darker then his regular blue jeans and he didn't remember buying them but he sat them aside anyways.  He found a clean dark grey button up and was just about to head for the shower when he spotted a shirt he hadn't seen in a while.

It was light grey and had the words ARMY across the front.  Bucky had given it to him right before he left for basic, back then it had been big on him because it was Bucky's shirt and he hadn't seen it or wore it since he had gotten bigger.  He smiled as he thought about how it would probably be a tad small now but stretch across his chest nicely.  He put it with his other clothes and headed for the shower thinking about how if he made it quick he would have just enough time to clean up the mess and be just a tad late if he rode his bike.

 

Steve was 20 minutes late from the time Sam had given him but he had planned it this way so he wouldn't be here before anyone else.  He knocked on the door of the apartment number he had been given and smiled when Clint answered it.  He had been told a couple days ago that Clint and Natasha had something going on by Sam.  When he asked if Sam was jealous, he said 'hell no that woman would chew me up and spit me out'.

"Hey Clint." Steve said as he stepped in the apartment.

Clint looked at him sideways but didn't say anything.  Steve pointed to his ears and Clint nodded.  He knew Clint's hearing wasn't the best and when it was too loud he turned his hearing aids off so Steve just laughed and slapped his shoulder before slipping further into the apartment.

There were a few more people here then Steve had originally thought was going to be so it took him about 5 minutes before he spotted Sam on the fire escape talking to a dark haired woman in a black dress.  The place wasn't that big but before he could get out there Natasha grabbed his elbow and pulled him toward a in the living room.

"Hello Steve."  Natasha said with a small smile.  She was wearing tight black jeans with ankle boots and a scooped neck dark purple shirt.

"Natasha."  He said with a nod.

She stared at him for a second, "Look, I'm not going to give some speech about what to say because I could of done that a week ago.  What I am going to say is that James is my friend and I know that both of you have been hurt and I know you holding on to that hurt because you don't want it to go wrong again.  I'm not telling you to let go or to forgive him but maybe tonight its your chance to start to build that trust again."  She told him then nodded her head over his shoulder.

He turned to see Bucky watching them from across the room.  Steve's heart sped up as he looked at Bucky in tight jeans that hugged his thighs and a blue shirt that made his eyes stand out.  Steve would never get over how good he looked, he couldn't back then and couldn't right now. 

Natasha cleared her throat bringing his attention back to her, "Go talk to him, Steve.  I know you want to keep him waiting like he kept you waiting but don't be petty like that."  She gave him a hard stare before walking off leaving him.

Steve stood there a few more minutes thinking about what Natasha had said. He wasn't making Bucky wait on purpose but there was a small part of him that felt satisfaction at the news that Bucky thought that.  It was wrong but after everything that had happened he allowed himself a minute to feel that, then shut it down because even after everything that Bucky had done Steve still cared for him.

He turned and headed across the room seeing Bucky watch him so intensely he could feel everywhere his eyes swept causing Steve's stomach to twist in a knot and his skin to be covered in goosebumps.

He dodged around people as he made his way to where Bucky was standing, never breaking eye contact.  The space wasn't very big but to Steve it seemed like it took forever but right before he got to there Bucky broke eye contact and walked away.  Steve stared at the space Bucky had just vacated before turning to follow.

Bucky was in the kitchen leaning against the counter when Steve walked in.  He was so tempted to keep walking until he was pressed up against Bucky but instead he leaned against the opposite counter and crossed his arms.

Bucky gave him a small smile that made his stomach twist again, "Hey."

"Hey"  Steve said, not waiting for Bucky to reply he blurted, "I'm sorry."

Bucky's eyebrows went up in surprise then knotted together in confusion, "What?  Why are you sorry?"

"I wasn't not calling you on purpose."  Steve told him.

Bucky looked confused, "Yea, I figured that.  You said you needed time so I just figured that's what you were doing.  What does that have to do with anything?"

"Well, I was talking to Natasha..."

Bucky cut him off with a roll of his eyes, "No!  Never listen to Natasha.  I know you haven't known her as long as I have so I'm going to tell you this, never listen to her ok."

Steve nodded, uncrossing his arms. "Well, I'm sorry that didn't call anyways.  I really wanted to but I wasn't sure what to say."

He noticed Bucky's eyes hadn't left his chest since he uncrossed his arms. "Bucky?   Are you listening?"

Bucky's head shot up.  He smiled at Steve, "Damn Rogers, I see your still a tease."

Steve could feel himself blushing, knowing that Bucky was talking about the too small Army shirt he had on.  "Don't know what your talking about."  He said trying to play it off.

"Really?  You just happened to wear a shirt that's about two sizes too small and I'm pretty sure that I gave it to you."

Steve wasn't sure what to say, he knew Bucky would comment on the size but he didn't think he would remember giving it to Steve.  He watched as for a second trying to figure out what to say but he didn't get a chance.

"Boys." Natasha said as she stepped into the kitchen "I'm glad you guys are talking but it seems some people actually want food."

Bucky groaned and Steve looked at him with an eyebrow raised, "You cooked?"

"Yea, Natasha suggested I make lasagna.  And when I say suggested I mean she threw stuff at me and made me cook it."  Steve laughed as Natasha gave Bucky a death glare.

"You always did cook really well." Steve told him as he watched Bucky get the dish out of the oven.

Bucky snorted, "Yea, well you consider anyone who can cook without burning water a good cook."

Steve smiled, "That was one time and if I remember right it wasn't entirely my fault."

It felt good to be able to banter with Bucky again as if nothing had changed.  Something seemed to relax a little bit with the knowledge that if he let it that it could be this way again but there was also a small part that was scared to trust Bucky. 

Bucky was talking to Natasha but Steve had tuned them out until he heard his name.

"Steve?  You with me buddy?"  Bucky asked him.

"Yea, I'm fine."  He said quietly.

"Good.  You coming to eat something or you just going to stand there?"

Steve gave a little chuckle but followed Bucky and Natasha out of the kitchen.  There was a table that didn't look big enough to seat everyone so a few people sat in the living room eating off paper plates.  Dinner passed by quickly and soon most people had left leaving only Sam, the dark haired woman he had been talking to, Natasha, Clint, Bucky and Steve. 

Steve found himself on the fire escape getting air when Bucky joined him.  They leaned on the railing looking out over the city only the sounds of chatter from the living room barely carrying outside.  He heard Bucky sigh and turned to look at him.  The light from inside was casting shadows on the side of his face but Steve could see his eyes shining brightly.

"I've been trying all night to think of what to say to you."  Bucky told him after a few minutes.

"Really?  Because I've been doing the same thing but I don't think this is the right time."  He paused for a second. "So, how about coffee tomorrow?"  Steve hadn't been sure about asking but he knew he couldn't keep avoiding it.

Bucky gave him a bright smile, "Make it pizza and you got a deal."

Steve smile back at him, "Alright, there's a pizza place not far from here, how about around 1?"

Bucky nodded, "Yea, sounds great."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry if this chapter sucked, I wanted it to go a certain way and it wouldn't. It's also the reason why I posted it late. Hopefully, it will go smoother from now on.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry that I haven't posted in a long time. I'm going to try and get back to writing this. I'm also apologizing for any errors or if it doesn't make any sense. That said i accept all comments and thank you for reading.

Bucky arrived at the pizza place Steve suggested early the next day for two reasons.  The first being he wanted to get a seat far back with his back against the wall, old habits dying hard and all that.  The other reason was he was incredibly nervous.   He had called Nat about 10 times before he left with everything from what to wear to how to get out of this but in the end here he was waiting on Steve and trying not to fidget.

He knew this could go several ways and he was hoping that it would end with him and Steve friends again or as close to friends as they could get.  He knew it also go badly but he knew this was a chance for both of them to get everything out and he was going to sit and listen no matter how angry Steve got and how much he wanted to yell himself.

He looked around again, tugging the sleeve of his sweater down.  He wasn't going to hid his arm and if Steve asked he would tell him, no more lying or deflecting.  One more check of his watch showed that Steve was 5 minutes late and he tried his best to quiet the fear that he wasn't going to show.  Steve was better then that and Bucky probably wasn't the only one nervous about today.  The waitress came by, giving him a tight lipped smile as he told her he was waiting on someone, trying to stop himself from checking the time again.

Watching the front door Bucky almost didn't notice when Steve walked in.  His hair was a mess, looking like he had ran his hands through it several times, his bangs falling across his forehead instead of style to the side.  He was wearing jeans and a button up flannel shirt with the sleeves rolled up and he looked so much like the boy Bucky knew that his almost knocked the breath out of him.

He gave a small wave as Steve spotted him.

"Hey."  Bucky said standing

"Hey." Steve echoed.

They stood awkwardly for a few seconds before Bucky gave a small strangled laugh and sit down.  Steve smiled, rubbing the back of his neck before sitting down in the opposite seat, looking like he wasn't sure where to start.

"So..." Bucky began, "was traffic bad?"  He cringed.  He wasn't sure what he was going to say but that wasn't it.

"No, not really.  I walked."  Steve said, then gave a small nervous laugh.  His checks went pink. "Actually, I stood outside for several minutes trying to make myself come in.  I finally had to remember Sam's advice."

"Which was?" Bucky asked

Steve smiled but it was small, "Suck it up, Rogers.  Bucky isn't going to bite you unless you want him to."

Bucky snorted, "Of course he said that.  He's almost as bad as Nat."

The waitress interrupted, this time all smiles.  Bucky and Steve placed their orders, the table going silent once she left.

"So..."  Bucky started again.

"Yeah." Steve took a breath. "Bucky, I'm not here to yell at you.  I think we got that out the other week, now I'm more confused then angry."

Bucky nodded.  He wanted to tell Steve that it was ok.  It was ok to be angry, it was ok to be confused and even though he hated to admit it, it was ok to hate him.  He couldn't seem to find his voice especially with Steve watching him, those blue eyes so intense.

"I'm sorry."  Bucky said, his voice cracking. " I know it doesn't change anything and I know I was a dick but I need you know that I'm sorry, Steve, and I can't say that enough."

Steve's jaw tightened and he wanted to reach across the table and grab his hand but he didn't.

"I know, Bucky, Ok.  I know your sorry but I guess I'm still trying to figure out why you lied to me.  You keep saying that it was to protect me but all it was make me feel worse about myself then I already did."

Bucky's felt his stomach clench and his heart start to pound harder because that was the last thing he wanted to do.

"Steve, you know how I saw you.  You were amazing then and you're amazing now.  You were always so much better than me and I knew you could do better.  Steve, you deserved someone who could give you the world and not someone who couldn't even tell you where he was half the time.  I knew it only a matter of time before the world saw what I always did.  I knew if you followed me then I was holding you back not from finding someone else but from becoming someone the world took notice of.  Steve, you deserve everything and I knew I couldn't give it to you.  I hope you see that, your so wonderful and I'm sorry if I didn't always show you that."

Bucky was trying to catch his breath and not look at Steve.  His napkin was in pieces and he was staring at the table when he heard Steve clear his throat.

"Bucky, thank you for saying that.  I think I need to hear a little of that but I'll be honest.  I'm still hurt that you seemed to forget me and I was here feeling like I was living with your ghost." Bucky raised his eyes to see Steve staring right back at him, "Help me understand, please.  Because, I'm not sure I can get past this until you do."

Bucky could tell he was trying hard not to raise his voice by the way his hands were clenched and the tips of his ears had went red.  Bucky bit his lip, he need to tell Steve everything no matter how hard it was.  He took a drink a water and sit up before looking at Steve.

"I did think of you, Steve.  I thought of so much, it was so hard not to.  I know I've told you that before but I never told you exactly what happened that made me try hard to forget you."  He took a breath, feeling Steve's eyes on him but he slid his eyes to the table. "I really did go back the next day to talk to you but when I saw you were gone, I knew that you were hurt and that it was over so I went and asked to be sent to special training.  I was sent to sniper school, then jump training and then more training.  I can't really go into it but I was gone for so long.  It was hard with long hours and it kept me distracted but when I wasn't training all I could do was think of you.  If you were taking care of yourself, if you had met someone, if you still still thought of me."

He said this last part quietly, before looking up to see Steve watching him, he turned his eyes away quickly.  "It wasn't long after that, that we got deployed to some foreign town that I'm not sure the name of or if it even had a name.  I was on this hill that overlooked the town.  I was suppose to be on look out but all I could concentrate on was how beautiful it with the light hitting the small lake at the edge of town and how I wish you were there with me because you would be so happy to draw it."  He met Steve's eyes. "I was so lost in my thoughts that I didn't see the guys I was look for show up.  They opened fire on us and we barely escaped.  I realized then that if I was going to be good at my job and keep people alive that I couldn't be distracted.  It was one of the hardest things in the world to do but once I focused on the job and nothing else it was easier."

Bucky took a couple of deep breaths as he finished, watching Steve process everything.  He had forgotten they were in the middle of restaurant having this conversation, so focused on getting everything out.  Steve had a such a tight grip on his glass, Bucky was afraid he was going to shatter it and his gaze looked like it was somewhere else.

"Steve?"

Steve seemed to snap back to the present.  He met Bucky's eyes seeming to search for something, he opened his mouth to say something but their order came before he could.  They both stared at their food but didn't make a move to eat it.

Steve cleared his throat but when started to speak his voice was quiet, "How?"

Bucky looked at him "What?!" he squawked.

"How?  How did you do that?  I tried so hard, so I want to know how managed to get rid of the distractions."  He said with a tense edge.

Bucky looked away, everywhere but Steve's eyes.  "I...I..." He steadied himself, "  At first, I would throw myself into anything they let me but when it came time to sleep I knew I would think of you.  This guy in the unit had these sleeping pills he would use so he let me try them.  At first it worked and I would go straight to sleep but then the more I took them the fuzzier they made me feel."  He could feel his hand start to shake so he shoved it under the table, "I finally stopped taking them when I woke up one morning a half a mile from my bunk with no clue how I got there.  I had my clothes on and my gun with me.  I was so scared that I had done something that I stopped taking them."

Bucky finally looked at Steve, his blue eyes were caring and he looked like he wanted to say something but Bucky talked first. "Nothing happened.  By the time I got back though I realized how badly I had screwed up.  I started going on every mission I could or volunteering to train or be trained.  Anything, so that by the time I got back I was so exhausted that I would pass out.  Then, before I realized it I couldn't remember what it was that drove me because it was so day to day that it was routine.  In between that, I met Nat and she wanted to be my friend."  He gave a bitter laugh. "More like she told me I was going to be her friend and that was that."

They were both quiet, the sounds of the place washing over them.  He could remember that day so clearly, waking up and realizing that he wasn't in his own bed and having no idea where he was.

 

 _Bucky could see desert but it wasn't right._   _He should be in bed, he scanned and he could see the camp not far from where he was.  The problem was he wasn't sure how he got here, he remembered the meeting and_ _one of the guys saying he had something to drink.  He could remember the foul taste of whatever alcohol the guy had and.  And that was where it was a little fuzzy._

_The sleeping pill.  That must of been it, that plus whatever he had been drinking had caused a bad reaction.  He looked down, he was fully dressed complete with boots and his gun.  Shit!  How'd he get his gun.  He looked around again but it was only him.  His knees buckled, hitting the ground his stomach rolled as he tried to empty it but nothing came out._

_What if someone had been around and he hadn't realized it.  What if he thought one of his guys were the enemy.  His head was swimming as he wiped the his mouth with the back of his hand.  He had to get back.  He wasn't sure how he got out with someone noticing but he had to get back now.  His legs felt weak but he slowly started back to camp as he tried to not let the fear of what could of happened over take him._

_He had to get back. He shouldn't be here. He...._

 

"Bucky.  Come on, Buck, breath for me."  He could feel a hand on his chest and he reached for it.  Grabbing the wrist intending on twisting it to get it off of him, only realizing as soon as he grabbed it was Steve.

Steve was in front of him, kneeling on the ground with this hand on Bucky's chest.  "Come on, Bucky, matching my breathing.  That's it."  His blue eyes looked so concerned.

Bucky's heart was hammering and his breathing was slowly starting to get under control.  He heard Steve ask for the bill before throwing some money on the table, he grabbed Bucky's flesh and blood hand and helped him.

"Let's get out of here."  Bucky nodded.  His legs felt like lead but he let Steve lead him out the place.

Fresh air hit his face and a took a deep breath.  He needed to get somewhere to sit down before his legs gave out.  Bucky was vaguely aware of Steve leading him somewhere but it was all he could to follow and not fall over.  Before he knew it they were on a bench in a small park, there weren't very many people around and the bench was out of the way.  He felt his head drop, his hair hanging in his eyes as he tried to get his heart and breathing under control.

Steve was a silent but comforting presence beside him.  He didn't try to push and keep his distance even if Bucky knew he probably wanted to do something.

"Thanks."  He said a few minutes later, his voice coming out scratchy.

 "No problem." Steve says before standing, "Let me see if I can find a bottle of water."

Bucky still feels a little wobbly so he just nods and watches as Steve walks across the park to a street vender.  He can't seem to bring  himself to feel embarrassed just yet especially with how understanding Steve is being.  Maybe when he gets home and lets it all sink in he might but right now he just watches as Steve pays for the drink and starts back across the park.

"Here." Steve says holding the water bottle out.  He takes a seat back beside Bucky, watching as he downs half the bottle in one drink.

"Thanks."  He says again, this time his voice sounding stronger.

He looks over at Steve, who is staring at him intensely.  His blue eyes are bright and there's something there that Bucky can't put his finger on but it makes his stomach do weird things almost as if he's a teenager again he caught Steve watching him again.  Its like there are butterflies but at the same time like he's on a rollercoaster.  He didn't realize tell now that he's missed this feeling and knows he will always feel this way around Steve.

After a minute of staring, Steve expression changes and Bucky almost laughs because Steve looks like a puppy dog with those blue eyes and long lashes.  Bucky has to break eye contact because if not he's going to say or do something stupid like reach across and kiss that look off Steve's face.

He hears Steve clear his throat before asking, "So, do you need anything else?"

Usually, when someone asks that Bucky feels like its pity and usually he gets defensive but when it comes to Steve Rogers everything is unusual.  So instead of his usual anger Bucky can't help but feel like its a sincere questions plus Steve's puppy look that Bucky is sure he's giving him doesn't help.

"Um..yea...I'm not sure I'm 100% yet.  Do you think you could talk.  Just....it doesn't have to be anything spectacular or personal, just something to keep my mind occupied."

Steve nods and gives him a small smile before staring off seemingly to concentrate.  He finally fives a small huff of laugh after a minute before turning back to Bucky.

"Ok.  You remember how I used to get into fights all the time?"

Bucky gives his own small laugh, "Yea, how could I forget.  It's how we met."

Steve smiled but it didn't quite reach his eyes.  Bucky seemed to catch on to what he said.

"Steve.."  He was interrupted before he could apologize.

"Don't."  Steve says, nodding after Bucky does. "  Ok.  So a story.  Well, how about I tell you about the first time Sam caught me in a fight?"

"Oh, this has to be good."  Bucky says trying to ease some of the tension that's suddenly surrounding them.

"Yeah..." Steve gives another small huff, shaking his head before continuing. "Alright.  So me and Sam hadn't been friends for long.  I mean it took me a long time before I was comfortable around him."

Bucky gives him a small smile, remembering how Sam had told him about first meeting Steve and he can feel knots starting to form in his stomach.

"Well, he finally talked me into going out with him for drinks, so after a couple I had to use the bathroom.  When I came out there was this guy standing there and the bar we were at was small enough that I knew he had been staring at us for sometime.  I figured he was either going to ask about Sam or start talking crap about us, probably assuming we were there as a couple."

Bucky's stomach was so twisted now he felt sick.  He wanted to tell Steve to stop, since it was almost having the opposite effect on him then he wanted but he let Steve go ahead and continue.  He watched as Steve took a breath and stared at his feet before going on.

"But instead of all that, he started spewing these awful things about Sam.  All of it based on what Sam looked like and not who Sam was.  I was so pissed.  So, instead of walking away and letting it drop, I waited until he spewing more crap and I hit him."  Steve gave out laugh and rolled his eyes. "I actually hit him so hard I broke one of my fingers.  His nose started gushing blood but I hadn't broken it and before he could regain control I kicked him.  He went down and I should of left but I couldn't, so I started in on him about how Sam was an amazing person and how this guy didn't even have half the brain cells as Sam."

Bucky just stared at him, mouth slightly open.  Seemed somethings didn't change.

"Let me guess?  You stayed there ranting long enough for the guy to get up?"  Bucky asked.  Steve turned his head, scratching the back of his neck as his cheeks turned pink.  "Jesus.  Do you ever learn?"  Bucky asked before he could stop himself.

Steve turned back to him, his eyes showing something that Bucky couldn't put his finger on.  Bucky's stomach seemed to unclench as Steve cleared his throat and looked away.

"Yeah, well.  Anyway, the guy gets up and gets one good punch in because someone had went and told the bouncer what was going on.  He got there right as the guys fist connected with my face.  Both of us got kicked out but I was out of it enough that I passed out.  When I woke up Sam never shut up about how stupid I was and how I didn't need to stand up for especially to some dumb ass like that guy.'

"And what did you say?"  Bucky asked a small smile starting to form.

Steve's cheeks flushed pink again before he stuck his jaw out like he was always did when he was being stubborn.

"I told him that I had the guy right where I wanted him."

Bucky gave out a bark of laughter, shaking his head.  His stomach was starting to do that butterfly rollercoaster thing again because even after everything there had still been something inside Steve that made him what he was.  It was that something that made him want to stand up not just for himself but for other people too.   Something so good and right that had made Bucky fall for him so many years ago.  After everything that Bucky had put him through there had been that part of Steve that had never went away.  He actually felt relieved that if nothing else this was still the same Steve Rogers.

"Yeah."  Steve said scratching the back of his neck again. "Sam didn't seem to find amusing at first but eventually he laughed about it.  Actually, that was probably the first time I realized he was my friend and not just some guy I sometimes would hang around with."

Bucky watched as Steve almost seemed to shut off.  His eyes weren't as friendly, getting a hard edge to them and Bucky could see the muscles in Steve's jaw twitch.  It hit him hard that he had done that.

Not only had he hurt Steve and caused him to be weary off relationships but of people he could call friends.  He had broken Steve's trust and now he wasn't sure how to get it back and how to make it right.

Bucky took a deep breath before he spoke.  "But he is your friend."  Steve jerked his head to Bucky. "He is.  Not only that but he was there through everything you've been through and I know I was the reason you couldn't trust him at first.  And if I have to try for the rest of my life, Steve, to prove to you how sorry I am I will. If takes that long to win back an ounce of your trust it will be worth it because I want to be worthy of that and I will try to prove just that if you will let me."  He let out a shaky breath.  "I don't want to run away again, Steve.  I wanna be there no matter what, how ever you will let me."

He stopped and stared at Steve hoping that he was see that Bucky was telling the truth.  No matter what he had to do he would somehow make this up to Steve, he couldn't lose him again.

 

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

  Steve's heart was pounding so hard he was sure Bucky could hear it.  He wanted to say 'Yes, of course we can work on this and be friends' and everything else he was sure Bucky wanted him to say but he couldn't not yet. 

The raw honesty look in Bucky's eyes caught Steve a little off guard.  He had been prepared for almost anything today except for what had happened and between that and seeing Bucky like this there was a small part himself that he had kept tightly wound, ease just a bit.  There was still a bigger part of him that made it hard to trust Bucky right now.

There was still so much he didn't know about Bucky and what had happened, he knew that it was the reason he wasn't jumping in with both feet like usual.  He wanted to though, he wanted to so badly it almost hurt.  He had to stop himself from wrapping Bucky in a hug a throwing caution to wind.

Steve finally tore his eyes away from Bucky and studying the ground in front of him.  His voice was almost a whisper when he spoke.

"I want all that, Bucky." 

When he looked up he could see a  trace of hope in Bucky's eyes, it slowly dimming when Steve spoke again.

"I want that, really I do.  Its just I think this is all really fast and we've both been through a lot and changed a lot.  Besides, I think I'm going to have to work on how to trust you again."

Steve could see a trace of pain in Bucky's expression but he ignored it.  He didn't say that to make Bucky mad or to be spiteful, he just needed everything to be honest from now on.

He watch Bucky nod, almost to himself before speaking, "I understand.  Really, I do."  He said quickly when Steve gave him a look.  "I just want a chance and I know I don't deserve one but I hope I can earn one."

Steve's head was spinning.  He wasn't sure how they had gotten here, all he had wanted today was to get things out in the open but while they had gotten somethings out, he felt there was still things left unsaid.  He wasn't sure what to do.

Taking a steadying breath, Steve turned back to the park, "I think maybe we both need some time to let this all sink in.  Besides, I know panic attacks can drain you, all you probably want to do right is crawl into bed."

Bucky winced at the mention of his panic attack and turned from Steve. "Yea, I am tired but I'm not sure I walk back to my place."

Before he could stop himself Steve reached out and gave Bucky's knee a squeeze before standing.

"Do you think you walk back to the street?"  Bucky nodded "Ok, I'll call and see if I can get us a cab.

Bucky looked at him with wide eyes before laughing.

"Seriously? A cab for like 5 blocks that I walk all the time?"

Steve couldn't help but laugh, "Yes."

Bucky shook his head, "Your ridiculous."

Still smiling, Steve took out his phone call the first cab company he could find, giving them the address.

"Five minutes. Up you go."  He told Bucky.

He helped Bucky stand then took off slowly towards the entrance.  They walked in silence, they were almost to the street when Bucky grabbed his arm.

"Steve?"  Steve turned to see Bucky staring at him nervously. "Can you promise me something?" 

"I can try."  Steve told him honestly.

"Can you promise me that you will actually consider what I'm saying?  If we have to do this slowly before we can be friends again or whatever you want to call this, I can do that.  Just say you'll consider it."

Steve stared at him for a few seconds.  It was a leap but all he was promising was to consider it and he was pretty sure he was going to do that anyways.

"I promise." 

He gave Bucky a small smile that he returned before heading towards the cab that was waiting for them.  Steve vaguely heard Bucky tell the cabbie his address but his head was somewhere else.

 

_"Can you promise me something, Stevie?"  Bucky asking from his spot on the couch._

_Steve looked up from his sketch pad and arched an eyebrow in response._

_"Promise me that we will never to old for this."  Bucky said._

_Steve huffed out a laugh, "By this, do you mean me being productive and you being lazy and complaining your bored?"_

_Bucky threw a pillow at his head before chuckling._

_"No, punk.  I mean you being the amazing artist and me being your muse."_

_Steve snorted, rolling his eyes, "Not sure I would call you a muse, Buck, but sure whatever you want."_

_Bucky stood coming to stand by the armchair Steve was in, "Say your promise, Stevie."_

_"I promise."  He said with a small smile._

_Bucky put one finger one Steve's chin, tilting it so Steve was staring up into Bucky's beautiful blue grey eyes, a shiver running down his spine as Bucky laughed before he lowered his head placing a small kiss on Steve's lips._

_"There.  Its sealed with a kiss so you can't break it."  
_

_Steve laughed before locking his arms around Bucky's neck, pulling him in for a deeper kiss. "Whatever you say, Buck." He said against Bucky's lips._

 

Steve was jerked from the memory as he felt the cab come to a stop.  He almost didn't want to look at Bucky now, afraid his feelings were all over his face but Bucky barely looked at him as he got out of the cab only turning when the door was shut.

Steve waved his hands when Bucky reached for his wallet, "It's on me."  He somehow managed to say.

Bucky smiled, "Ok, just remember what I said and don't forget you can call me anytime."  He said before turned and walking away.

Steve gave a small wave when Bucky got to the door.  He gave the cabbie his address and let his head thunk against the back of the seat.  If his head was spinning before now it felt like someone was shaking it, not being able to settle on one thought.

He needed to call Sam but at the same time he didn't want.  Steve wanted to say to hell with it all and drown everything in something strong, at the same time he wanted to do something reckless and foolish to forget everything that happened today.

He wanted to do all of it and none of it.

After paying the cabbie and entering his building he did the one thing he wasn't sure was a good idea but it might be what he needed.  He took a deep breath before pulling out his phone and dialing.

He climbed the stairs, not wanting to wait on the elevator, as he listened to the ringing on the other end.

"Hello?"

Steve paused a seconds on the steps. "Tony?"

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

 Bucky barely made it to his door, once Steve was gone the weariness seemed to sit heavy on his shoulders.  He finally made it all the way into his apartment and to the couch before he collapsed face first into it.  Today had been more exhausting then he could have imagined.

He buried his face into the cushions as he remembered Steve's face from earlier especially after his panic attack, it had been so caring but guarded.  Bucky had been grateful he was there and he wasn't alone but at the same time he wished Steve hadn't to had to see him like that.   Bucky laid there letting it all wash not sure what to think of it all.

He let out a frustrated noise as he tried to get his phone out of his pocket without moving to much.  Nat would kill him if he didn't let her know he had made it home.

 

**Hey wanted to let you know i'm back - bb**

 

He hit send and tried to relax his muscles, rolling around a little to try and get comfortable.  He finally found a position that seemed to work when his phone went off

 

_**Well, I'm assuming it went ok since your not actually crying over the phone -NR** _

 

Bucky rolled his eyes even though she couldn't see him before texting her back.

 

 

**i guess. it would have been better without the panic attack -bb**

 

   _ **Seriously? Are you ok? - NR**_

 

**yea, just want a nap -bb**

 

_**You do that. I'll be over later with food and you can tell me everything. -NR** _

 

Bucky groaned, when Nat said everything she meant everything.  He sent back an ok before snuggling deeper in the cushions and grabbing the blanket off the back of the couch.

His exhaustion was finally starting to take over as he felt himself start to relax.  His last thought before he drifted off was to hope Steve would keep his promise.

 


End file.
